Remnant's Bizarre Adventure Chibi
by The Inkasters
Summary: A collection of decidedly non-canon shorts and potential outtakes based upon Remnant's Bizarre Adventure: Beacon is Unbreakable as seen through the lens of the Chibi universe. Where nothing bad will ever happen. EVER!
1. The Gang Abuses Crazy Diamond

As Ruby Rose wandered into the dormitory's shared kitchenette, her silver eyes spotted something up way on the highest shelf in the room: a jar of cookies, placed there by her devilish sister to keep them out of her hands by taking advantage of Ruby's shortness. A mischievous grin spread across her little face as she unholstered Crescent Rose and skipped her way on over to the high shelves and, with the scythe end of her weapon, attempted to push the jar of cookies on over. Despite the extra reach from Crescent Rose, the tip of her scythe barely reached the jar and Ruby stretched and contorted herself in an attempt to get the delicious baked sweets that sat just outside of her reach.

One particularly hard knock of her scythe sent the jar of cookies tumbling forward, where it promptly bounced off the handle of Crescent Rose before hitting the floor. The jar of cookies just bounced harmlessly off the floor and rolled over to another part of the room.

Crescent Rose shattered into dozens of pieces.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHY?! OH GOD WHY!? MY LUST FOR COOKIES HAS GONE TOO FAR! CRESCENT ROSE, PLEASE, SAY SOMETHING, ANYTHING!" Ruby desperately clawed the bits and pieces of her weapon together and cradled them into her arms, as she lifted the sniper rifle-scythe up to her ear.

When silence was all Ruby was met with, the silver-eyed huntress burst into tears as she wailed over the fate of her beloved weapon. Soon after, Josuke wandered into the kitchen, looking for one of the snack cakes he had put into the fridge, and was surprised by the sight of Ruby on the floor cradling the broken Crescent Rose.

Almost immediately upon seeing him enter, Ruby was on top of Josuke, her arms practically shoving the broken bits and pieces of Crescent Rose into the pompadoured teen's chest as tears streamed down the side of her face.

"JOSUKE, PLEASE, FIX HER FIX HER FIX HER FIX HER FIX HER FIX HER FIX HER FIX HER-" Putting a stop to this, Josuke placed his hands firmly on Ruby's shoulders and pushed her back a bit.

"Easy there Ruby, I got this." Josuke dust himself off a bit after saying this, before he coughed dramatically into his fist. "Now then… **[CRAZY DIAMOND]**!" One overly dramatic pose later, Josuke's Stand was summoned forth from within the boy, the Pink and Silver Stand hovering just between the two as Josuke pointed melodramatically to the broken bits of Crescent Rose. "FIX IT!"

Crazy Diamond nodded and reared its fist back mightily, a fierce look of determination in its eyes.

"... **Dora**." All culminated in a light tap as Crescent Rose snapped back together, as if it had never been broken in the first place. Nonetheless, Ruby's eyes lit up like fireworks as she hugged Crescent Rose to her chest and hopped up and down in place, the young teenaged girl beaming at Josuke.

"Oh Josuke, thank you so much! I don't know how I could possibly ever repay you!" Josuke just smiled as he shrugged and Crazy Diamond dissipated back into nothingness.

"It's no problem Ruby, I'm always happy to help. 'Sides, its not like it's a problem for me to use Crazy Diamond to help my friends." Josuke readjusted his uniform a bit as he said this, a casual grin on his face.

" _ **The Gang Abuses Crazy Diamond**_ "

Lunch time rolled around and teams RWBY, JNPR and JOJO sat at their usual spot and just talked over a few random tidbits here and there. Everything was going just fine for everyone. Or it was, up until Nora, in a particularly exciting moment of the story she was retelling, swung her arms far off to the side, knocked her drink into the air and caused the cola to spill all over Blake's book.

"My Pumpkin Pete's Cola!"

"MY BOOK!"

Blake looked about ready to go into a nervous breakdown as she quickly grabbed as many napkins as she could and got to desperately trying to save her book. Before either she or Nora could act much more, however, Josuke reached over and, with a tap of his finger, fixed Blake's book good as new and caused Nora's soda and glass to fly back over to its position on the table beside the girl.

"Wow, thanks Josuke!"

"JOSUKE, THANK YOU SO MUCH, YOU SAVED MY BOOK!"

Once again, the pompadoured teen just shrugged his shoulders as he went back to eating. "No problem, it was a simple enough fix." As Josuke tore back into his lunch, a thoughtful expression crossed Blake's face.

"Say… Josuke, listen, I got a few other books that in need of some… fixing. Maybe if you wouldn't mind, you could…" Blake did her best to not say it directly, but Josuke just shrugged and grinned.

"Sure, I don't see why not, I'll stop by sometime after class and fix them up for you." At this, Blake grinned and had to practically hold herself from clapping her hands in glee. Her smut, er, adult reading material had gotten... worn out over the years of her reading it and getting it fixed would be just the pick-me-up she needed… after she got new covers for them to keep Josuke from finding out what they were, of course.

Meanwhile, the rest of the table just looked at Josuke and keen interest bubbled up in their eyes.

* * *

"JOSUKE, JOSUKE, COME QUICK, IT'S AN EMERGENCY!"

Almost as if summoned, Josuke burst through the door to Team RWBY's dorm room, where he had heard Weiss call out for him with great urgency.

"What's wrong Weiss? Ruby almost hang herself by her cape, Yang accidentally break someone's back in a hug, Blake…" Josuke stopped when he saw that nothing was amiss in the room at all and that it was Weiss just by herself. Sure, the room looked a little dirty, but-

"Fix this mess, Josuke."

"... Pardon me?"

"The other three have left this room an absolute sty and I can barely stand to live in it. I need you to fix it back to a clean state." Weiss harrumphed as she said this, the pompadoured teen perplexed as he stared at her.

"Weiss… if it's so much of a problem for you, why not clean it yourself?" Weiss gasped, as if scandalized by the suggestion.

"What do I look like, the maid?"

"... Do I?" Josuke answered back with a slightly irritated tone to his voice as Weiss just scoffed.

"Come now Josuke. You keep going on and on about how Crazy Diamond can fix anything physical back to a previous state, right?"

"... Right, but Weiss, I really don't think I should be-"

"Then what's the hold up?! Get to fixing!" At this, Josuke just sighed with an aggravated expression on his face as he snapped his fingers and summoned Crazy Diamond forth.

"Fine…. Crazy Diamond, fix it back to a previous state."

" **DORARARARARARARARARA- DORAAAA**!"

In a flurry of punches, Team RWBY's dorm room quickly flew back into being a nearly immaculate state, all garbage flew off to be disposed of or reformed into fresh good and the misplaced books, clothes and Dust cartridges put themselves back into their places. Weiss looked around the room and gave an approving nod.

"See Josuke, now was that all that…" Weiss blinked curiously as she cast her gaze about, a confused look on her face. "Josuke, where are my things?" Indeed, Weiss' possessions seemed to have utterly vanished from the room.

"Back to a previous state." Josuke said with a bit of a sigh as he quickly exited the room, leaving Weiss confused.

"Josuke, wait, what do you mean by that?" A ring on her scroll caught Weiss' attention as she pulled it out, a small smile rose to her face as she saw the contact name. "Oh hello Klein, I wasn't expecting a call from you today, what-" Weiss' eyes suddenly went wide as dinner plates. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN ALL MY THINGS ARE BACK AT THE MANSION!?"

* * *

"OoooOOOooooOOooooh…."

Josuke was drawn towards distressed sounds coming from the kitchenette as, upon his arrival, he saw Nora. The orange-haired girl was doubled over a nearby table as she held her arms around her stomach, a pained look on her face as her face turned a shade of green.

"Hey Nora… you feeling alright?" Josuke tilted his head to the side, as Nora shook her head.

"No… I don't feel so good…" Nora muttered, as Josuke just arched an eyebrow.

"How bad we talking?" Nora turned her head away from Josuke's line of sight for a moment, her hand going up to her mouth as, suddenly, the turquoise-eyed girl vomited all over the table. "OKAY! THAT BAD! Hold on Nora, I'll go ahead and fix you right up!" Josuke's hand glowed yellow as he ran over and prepared to pat Nora on the shoulder.

All of a sudden, the girl moved with great haste as she grabbed Josuke's hand and dunked it into the puddle of vomit on the table.

"NORA, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" Josuke immediately whipped his hand back and away from the girl, a clearly disgusted look on his face. Suddenly, the vomit on his hand and on the table slowly reformed into a truly gigantic stack of pancakes, as Nora's eyes sparkled with glee as she pulled out a fork, knife and bottle of syrup from her skirt pockets.

"Yay! Thanks Josuke!" Immediately, Nora dug into her fixed pile of pancakes, as Josuke just stared on in disgust.

"... Yeah… no problem. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go ahead, take one hundred showers and cry over the death of my innocence…" Josuke shook his head as he wandered off, Nora ignoring the disgusted young man as he did. Crazy Diamond would never be able to fix how unclean Josuke felt at that very moment.

* * *

"PLEASE JOSUKE?! PLEEEEEEEAASSE?! I KEEP DROPPING ALL THESE HINTS BUT HE JUST DOESN'T GET IT! JOSUKE, I'M BEGGING YOU, I NEED YOUR HELP!"

"For the last damned time Pyrrha, I can't fix how dense Jaune is!"

Tears welled up in Pyrrha's green eyes as she threw herself down onto her knees in front of the teen. "Please Josuke! I'm begging you, just try, just once, for me?!"

"Pyrrha, for fuck's sake, I told you Crazy Diamond doesn't work like that! You just need to get your act together and tell Jaune how you feel!"

"I caaaaaan't!" Pyrrha wailed as she continued to beg Josuke, as the pompadoured teen's eye just twitched.

"Pyrrha, I'm telling you, it's not going to happen! IT! IS! NEVER! GOING! TO! HAPPEN! Just get out of here!" After a moment, Pyrrha finally sighed in defeat as she wandered off, pitiful sniffs accompanying her as Josuke rubbed his temples. "I swear… if one more person walks up to me and asks me to fix something stupid, I'm going to put my fucking head through a wall…"

At that very moment, Jaune walked up.

"Hey Josuke, listen, I've been trying to ask Weiss out for a while now but she just won't give me a chance. I was wondering if you could fix how cold she-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Josuke, promptly, slammed his head through a nearby wall, the force being enough to send even his shoulders through the hole as Jaune's eyes went wide.

"-NEVERMIND WE'LL TALK LATER!" At that, the blond-haired knight ran off, leaving Josuke screaming into his little hole in the wall.

* * *

Josuke sat at one of the dining hall tables, his fingers rhythmically pounding against the surface. Lunch was out and class was in session, which meant that he was technically playing hooky, but at this point he didn't care. Everyone was trying to get him to use his Stand to fix some stupid thing or another and it was driving him crazy. He just needed some time to himself, some manner of peace, or else he was going to-

"Hey JoJo-"

"WHAT, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO FIX THIS TIME!?"

Josuke immediately turned and snapped at Yang who had casually approached the young man. Her lilac eyes went wide as she doubled back, a surprised look on her face.

"Woah! Easy there tiger, I'm just here because Peach is wondering why you aren't in class! What's eating you?" Josuke carefully looked Yang over, trying to see if he could find any sign of deceit or an oncoming favor, before he finally sighed and leaned back into his chair.

"I've had a Hell of a day Yang. Everyone's been trying to get me to use Crazy Diamond to fix some stupid thing or another. It's been nonstop. I just… I'm just at the end of my rope here."

"Woof, sounds rough buddy. Why don't you tell good old Doctor Xiao Long what's up?" Josuke gazed at the blonde girl for a moment before he sighed.

"Dammit… it started with Blake and her books, then Weiss had me clean up your guys' room, then Nora dunked my fucking hand into her vomit to get more pancakes and Pyrrha and Jaune tried to get me to fix their stupid love… disconnected triangle, I guess?" Josuke just rubbed his temples.

"Huh, you didn't mention Ren in all that."

Josuke shuddered as he looked over to Yang. "I am never talking about what Ren had me fix Yang. He is a sick, sick man…" Josuke looked positively horrified as Yang just nodded, a smile on her face.

"Well JoJo, I'm sorry to hear all that. Guess all I can offer is that, for what it's worth, I appreciate what you do around here." The blonde shot one of her winning smiles a Josuke, the pompadoured teen's gaze momentarily softened, before Yang spoke back up. "Which is why… I was wondering if I could ask a favor."

Josuke's expression immediately dropped back into one of annoyance as he sighed and shook his head. "Okay, whatever, what do you want me to fix?"

Yang stood perfectly still for a moment, a thoughtful expression on her face.

The next second, she stuck her arm out, drew a meat cleaver with her other hand, and chopped her arm off.

The pair immediately screamed, one from pain and the other from horror.

"OH MY GOD, YANG, WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"I DUNNO, I JUST WANTED TO SEE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN, I DIDN'T THINK IT'D HURT SO BAD! JOSUKE, QUICK I'M LOSING BLOOD!"

"FUCKING BROTHERS YANG, **[CRAZY DIAMOND]** , FIX IT!"

Immediately Crazy Diamond reached forward and fixed Yang's arm, her limb popped back into place and her blood seeped back into her wound as it sealed up. Immediately Yang stopped screaming and just smiled as she waved at Josuke.

"Thanks JoJo, I'll talk to you later." The blonde wandered off, leaving a thoroughly disturbed Josuke in her wake.

"... WHAT THE FUCK?!"

* * *

"JOSUKE, COME QUICK, WE NEED YOUR HELP!"

"Okay, that's it." Josuke kicked the door open to Team RBWY's dorm room, an angry expression on his face. "What the Hell have you all done this time. What menial little thing or psychotic episode do you all… expect me… to…" Josuke's anger died as he took in the scene before, in a slow motion, he brought his hand up to his face and cupped it gingerly.

Honestly, he wasn't even mad at this point. Well, actually, he was; blindingly furious in fact, but he was the kind of blindingly furious that circled back to being calm again. Now, he was just curious.

"Why and how?" Were all the words that Josuke could utter as he looked on at this scene.

For what laid before him was the gathered team members of Teams RWBY and JNPR, their arms and legs all detached from their bodies and scattered across the room. Bloodless but otherwise removed.

"Yeah even we don't know at this point Josuke. All that matters is that you need to get to fixing us." Blake called out as the rest of the teens nodded, while Josuke took a deep, long breath as he looked at his gathered friends.

"Okay, guys? Real talk here? I seriously feel like you guys are just taking advantage of me because of Crazy Diamond's powers and you all really don't care about my time or needs. I really don't feel like I'm being respected here." Josuke laid it all out, as Ruby just gasped.

"Josuke! How could you say such a thing! Of course we respect and appreciate you! It's because we do that we let you see us in such a vulnerable position. Josuke, there's so many people in this school and city who'd take advantage of this situation to do serious harm to us or otherwise bully us. We know you, and we know how good you are, and we know you'd never do that kind of stuff to us. Because you're our friend and we trust you, completely and totally."

As Ruby's speech went on, Josuke's aggravated demeanor slowly melted away and was replaced by a warm smile, as the young man brought a hand up to his heart. This moment between him and his friends… well, it was touching.

"So get to healing us monkey boy!"

And the moment was dead, as Josuke's expression fell into a frown.

"Hey, I resent that remark!" The gathered teens all looked over Josuke's shoulder to see Sun Wukong, the monkey faunus seemed deeply offended as he passed by the room and overheard what they had said.

"Shut up Sun nobody cares about you anymore!" Weiss called out as the rest of the Four Kingdom Hunters and Huntresses nodded.

"Yeah! No one in the reviews for the canon story noticed that you weren't brought up at the end of the Josuke vs Bruno fight! They all just assumed that you and Neptune were okay! You could be dead for all they know! I mean, you aren't, but the point still stands! That's kinda screwed up!" Nora remarked as, again, everyone nodded.

"So get out of here Sun, everybody's got new favorite transfer students!"

Sun Wukong's lip quivered for a brief moment before the blond-haired faunus burst out into tears and ran off, his crying echoed down the hall as he did so.

"Okay, now that he's gone, we can get Josuke to fix us up." The others turned back to Josuke, who just glared at them.

"No. You know what. You all can just stay like that until you learn to APPRECIATE ME AND MY FEELINGS!" Josuke screamed the end of the sentence as he too ran off, leaving the group of teens effectively stranded, arm and legless, on the floor of Team RWBY's dorm room.

"... Well, that backfired." Ren remarked dryly as Jaune's face suddenly scrunched up.

"Oh jeez, I got an itch on my nose." The group stayed silent for a moment before Ruby whimpered.

"... I have to go to the bathroom." Everyone just groaned in unison as they shook their heads.

"Well,at least today couldn't get any worse." Pyrrha remarked, attempting to be helpful and raise everyone's spirits. It was silent for a moment after Pyrrha had spoken up, before everyone noticed something.

"Hey… do you guys hear that whistling sound? It sounds like-"

In an instant, Team RWBY's dorm room wall blew open in an explosion of fire as an object of stone and ice plowed its way into the side of the building. A meteor hard fallen from the sky and struck right into Beacon Academy, landing in Team RWBY's dorm room.

The group of teens watched on as slowly the meteorite melted and broke apart, and a strange, nearly naked figure rose from it.

 **AY-AY-AY-AAAAAAYYYY-YEEEEEEEEE**

Bird-like wings were torn from the ice and stone of the meteor, as a being with the most fabulous hair anyone in that room had ever seen turned multi-colored eyes onto those gathered, a demented look to him as he slowly exhaled, one word on his lips as he spoke for what was probably the first time in over a decade.

"JoooooJooooo…."

The eight teens looked on as Kars slowly stretched his form, the hunters all horrified as they watched the Ancient Remnant God of Fitness as he broke free from his prison.

"... Guys?"

"Yeah Rubes?"

"... I don't have to go to the bathroom anymore."

"I think we're right there with you Ruby."

So remember kids, treasure your friends and what unique talents make them special, but always be sure to let them know that you appreciate them for more than simply what they can do for you.

Or else the Perfect Being will come and kill you no matter what.

…

What you think you got a better moral for the story?.

 _ **Fin**_

* * *

 **Alrighty, there we go, got myself a nice little break while I churned this short out. Ready and raring to go back to the main story. Expect to see more of these as time goes on, of course, though I'll try to make them an infrequent treat, as I would like to publish more of the main story than of this to help keep it paced well and to just get you guys more solid content.**

 **So I'll see you all on the 15th with Lock and Key (Act 1)! Hope you guys enjoyed this and I hope you all have an absolutely wonderful weekend.**


	2. Emerald Becomes The New Fall Maiden

It had been a peaceful day in Vale. Even as the noises of the city permeated the atmosphere, it had been clear that there was a calm that blanketed the city. No Stand attacks, no robberies, no need for anime main characters to get involved in any hijinks. Yessir, it seemed as though today was just going to be a good day to relax.

"Mwahahahahahahahahaaaaa!" Up until Cinder Fall cackled and laughed, seemingly out of nowhere. "Excellent, my nefarious plans can finally come to fruition today! This lovely atmosphere, this peaceful little slice of Vale life, will lull those FOOLS into a false sense of security! That's when I, CINDER, will lash out at those pathetics huntsmen and huntresses who've opposed us for far too long."

Mercury and Emerald stood off to the side, cautious, sideways glances shared between the two, as they watched Cinder loudly monologue in the streets.

"Errr… boss, don't you think it's a little unwise for you to be doing this right out in the middle of the open? I mean, today isn't that peaceful, people are bound to notice." Emerald cautioned her boss, as Cinder just rolled her eyes.

"Emerald, darling, you give these imbeciles far too much credit! We have successfully infiltrated them for so long! What could possibly be the chance that they'd catch us now?! After all, we're-"

 **RING-RING-RING, RING-RING-RING**

Cinder's Scroll went off just as she had been about to monologue further, the amber eyed femme fatale rolled her eyes as she picked it up. "Yes Whitesnake, what is it? I'm kind of in the middle of declaring openly and loudly how obviously evil I am. I could do without-"

"Cinder, listen to me. This is VERY important. Your life could very well depend on your following my advice to the T!" Cinder's eyes went a bit wide as Whitesnake spoke with such urgency, as the black haired woman nodded.

"Alright Whitesnake, let me hear it."

"I need you to take a step to the right."

"... What?"

"You heard me Cinder. If you don't take a step to the right at this very moment, your life will be in grave peril." Whitesnake's tone, completely and utterly serious, shook Cinder to her core, as she just nodded.

"Yes, very well Whitesnake, thank you." Cinder turned her Scroll off as she placed it back in her pocket. "Alright then, just take a step to the riiiiiiAIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Mercury and Emerald's eyes went wide with shock as Cinder fell down an open manhole that had, conveniently, been directly to her right, her cry of surprise echoed out from the hole in the ground as she fell and fell and fell and fell and-

"Wow, awfully deep for a sewer." Mercury commented dryly. Just as the two were about to help Cinder out so they could rip Whitesnake a new one, they were stopped by a pair of hands that had grabbed them by the shoulder and turned them around.

To reveal one Qrow Branwen. A heavily drunk Qrow Branwen, but Qrow Branwen nonetheless.

"Hey… you twos… you two look familiar. Have we met before?" Qrow blinked at the two of them, his vision hazy, as Emerald and Mercury just sweat bullets.

"Errrr… nope, nope, haven't met you before a day in our lives Mr. Qrow Branwen, sir!" Emerald punched Mercury in the gut as he slipped up, the young woman now sure that their ass was grass as Qrow narrowed his gaze at them.

"Hmmm… you two do look familiar… do you travel around with a woman wearing a mask and with black hair?" Emerald shook her head.

"N-No sir! Just a woman with no mask and black hair, sir!" Qrow seemed to roll this around in his mind. They did look just like those guys he saw attack the Fall Maiden… but they didn't have that third person with them…

"Alright, my mistake, carry on with your day." With that, Qrow stumbled away drunk, as Emerald and Mercury just stared, dumbfounded that they had somehow gotten away with a direct encounter with Ozpin's top spy.

"That… that shouldn't have gone like that…" Mercury muttered in disbelief as Cinder, finally, pulled herself out of the sewer.

"Yes, but it did, and it was all thanks to Whitesnake's timely advice! Mwahahahahaha! Between the two of us, nothing shall be able to stop us! We shall inflict our dastardly schemes upon the World of Remnant, and these fools will be none the wiser!" Cinder Falls cackled loudly as bolts of malevolent lightning flared around her, which had drawn the immediate attention of most onlookers. The effect was somewhat diminished however by the copious amounts of sewage that Cinder herself had been covered in.

"Err... Cinder, boss, I don't think he would've put two and two together even if you were here. These people seem pretty dumb like that. Hell, we've been staying in that school for months and none of them have recognized us." Mercury said casually as Emerald just nodded.

"Yeah… I think you need to be more careful when you take Whitesnake's advice. It seems like he's just screwing with you at this point." Cinder gasped as Emerald said this.

"I can't believe it. Our confidant and ally saved us just now and you all have the temerity to cast such aspersions upon him. Why, I'd ask you two, what could have ever given you two the idea that Whitesnake would ever do such a thing? It's unthinkable!" Cinder declared with the utmost certainty.

" _ **Emerald Becomes The New Fall Maiden**_ "

Cinder, Mercury and Emerald all shushed each other as they peeked from around a corner, one of the Stand arrows notched in Cinder's glass bow as they watched the scene before them. Teams RWBY, JNPR and JOJO had all gathered for a nice afternoon lunch at a nearby cafe, content to just spend their peaceful day eating as they were left unaware of the danger that had stalked them from the nearby shadow.

Cinder smirked as she pulled the string of her bow taught and let the Stand arrow guide her, its golden point slowly moved over until it came to a perfectly normal looking blond man in a light purple suit, an odd, skull-themed necktie being his most standout article of clothing, along with a very nice looking watch. The Stand arrow shook and shivered as she pointed it to him, as Cinder grinned maniacally and prepared to fire.

 **RING-RING-RING, RING-RING-RING**

Cinder groaned in annoyance as she pulled out her Scroll, a move copied by everyone else as they checked to see who had been rung up, as Cinder raised the device to her ear.

"Whitesnake, I'm kind of busy right now, can you please call me back later-"

"Cinder, if you really wish to put the hunters in peril, you'll aim for the man to the right of the person you're currently aiming at." Cinder blinked slightly as she peeked around the corner. To the left of the blond man was another blond man, although this one had far longer hair, poutier lips and was dressed far more ostentatiously. He drew his napkin over his tea cup and, with a flourish, impressed the waiting staff watching him with how he made it disappear, a loud 'Ta-daaaaa' accompanying his gesture.

"You mean the one with the longer blond hair?"

"No, to the right of him."

Cinder glanced back and frowned every so slightly. To the right of the long haired blond was another light haired man. However, this man in comparison to the relatively handsome pair before him was rotund and looked to be balding, his french-fry like hair combed over in a very obvious manner. A long moustache that curled down over his lips ended just before a very odd, mismatched goatee that the man had styled. Despite his overall appearance, he was dressed incredibly well, with an expensive outfit and pair of snazzy sunglasses that brought his look together.

"You mean the fat gangster looking one?"

"No! The one to the right of him!"

Cinder looked back one last time and this time her face twisted in disgust. To the right of the two blond men was a green haired man who had worn said green hair in a flat top supported by some sort of scarf or handkerchief… and who was positively one of the ugliest people Cinder had ever laid eyes on. His head just seemed to kind of meld into the rest of his body, so surrounded by fat it was, which had matched the rest of his torso. His eyes were sunken in and his thin lips were colored a shade of black that, combined with the rest of his appearance, just made him look grotesque.

"A-Are you sure Whitesnake?"

"I'm positive Cinder, now just shoot him."

Cinder looked over at the grotesque man and sighed, as she let loose the Stand arrow. It struck him dead on and, for a moment, Cinder thought she could see a visible Aura around him, as the man's flesh bubbled in response to the strike of the arrow. A great deal of power seemed to permeate from him as the man slowly stood from his seat and faced the hunters that had so plagued Cinder for so long.

Before he promptly keeled over and died. This had immediately drawn the attention of the three teams as they ran over and plucked the Stand arrow out of him, as they looked for any sign of who had fired it.

"I can't believe I passed over two other candidates for that and wasted one of the arrows…" Cinder growled slightly as she put her glass bow away as she ushered Mercury and Emerald off, the trio not having bothered to stick around. "That damn bastard, making me waste all that for some bastard who was just gonna fall over dead…"

The decision would prove to be a move that they'd later come to regret as news later came of the horrific Stand **[Notorious B.I.G.]** and how it had nearly killed the three teams of hunters. They had barely managed to pull through and had there been just one other opposing force in that fight, they'd have surely died.

That night, Cinder's aggravated and angry screams and curses had been nearly as loud as her evil laughter and monologuing.

* * *

"AFTER THEM!"

"WE HAVE YOU MYSTERIOUS, VAGUELY FAMILIAR EVIL FIGURES NOW!"

"YOU WON'T GET AWAY THIS TIME!"

Cinder, Mercury and Emerald were in quite the pickle. Disguised in such a manner where they basically looked the same but with masks on and in slightly different outfits, the three had come across the three teams of hunters who had been the banes of their existence ever since they had arrived in Vale. They had attempted to fight and now, having failed that, they made a break for it. However, no matter what they tried to do to get away, they were just a few solid steps behind them.

Finally, the trio had managed to arrange a serious roadblock to stall the progress of the huntsmen and huntresses that tailed them. The three gasped for air as they hid out on one of Vale's many shopping streets, Emerald having convinced one of the group that they'd ran in a different direction. However, it wouldn't be long before they realized they'd been sent towards and dead end and chase after them again.

"This is it, we've finally been caught." Cinder said with a shake of her head, as Mercury and Emerald just cried.

"Who could have thought that hiding under the nose of people who generally know what you look like while only disguising yourselves with masks might not always pay off…" Mercury muttered as he shook his head, as Cinder just nodded emphatically.

"I know! I severely underestimated our opponents… now, I'm afraid that we have no way of-"

 **RING-RING-RING, RING-RING-RING**

Cinder immediately snapped her Scroll from one of her sneaking outfit's incredibly thin pockets as she brought it to her ear. "Whitesnake, we're kind of in the middle of-"

"Cinder, if you wish to escape without being captured, then you must do exactly what I say!"

Cinder seemed about ready to argue however, the telltale sound of footsteps as they pounded cement heading their way cut off her train of thought as she just sighed.

"Alright Whitesnake, what do I need to do?"

"You all need to take off your masks and you, Cinder, need to throw a stone through one of the nearby shop windows."

"... Are you sure about this Whitesnake?" Cinder asked, as she crossed her arms. "I mean, not for nothing, but so far your advice has proven to be both unnecessary and costly."

"What do you mean? Didn't my advice keep you from being caught by Qrow Branwen?"

"I mean… yes, but he was blackout drunk. I probably could've gotten him to buzz off if-"

"And didn't my advice give you the powerful Stand Notorious B.I.G.?"

"Well… yes, but if you hadn't called at all the arrow would've pierced someone it said had potential."

"The only reason that last one fell through, Cinder, is because you didn't stick around to follow my advice to its logical conclusion. Now, are you going to listen to me and get out of this, or are you going to let the hunters catch you?" Whitesnake seemed to be in a bit of a huff as Cinder bit her lip. Well, it's not like she could see any way out of this herself…

"... Fine." Cinder turned her Scroll off and pocketed it as she tore off her mask, while Mercury and Emerald immediately followed suit. After having done so, she reached out for a nearby rock and, without any grace or tact, chucked it into a nearby storefront window, the glass shattered on impact from the blow. The trio just stood there for a moment, eyes practically glazed over as they awaited whatever would come from Whitesnake's advice.

"... Okay, I don't see how this is supposed to help us-"

"STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!"

Immediately, Cinder Fall was tackled by two young teens wearing moustaches, Neptune and Sun, as they immediately cuffed her where she lay on the ground.

"Cinder Fall, you're under arrest for vandalism and destruction of property! The worst possible crime someone like you could be committing at this moment!" Neptune declared with gusto as he and Sun stood her up, the pair high-fiving each other as Cinder just blinked, awe-struck by the turn of events.

"You're going away for a long, looong time Cinder! The City of Vale won't put up with criminal acts like these!" Mercury and Emerald could only watch as Cinder was dragged away. Shortly after, Teams RWBY, JNPR and JOJO burst through the alley, all of them ready for a fight as they cast their gazes about.

"Alright, where are those three, we need to… oh hey Mercury, Emerald, what's up?" Ruby asked, her demeanor immediately shifted to a friendly one as she spotted the pair. "Hey, have you guys seen a trio of mask-wearing folks who look almost exactly like you three, but you know, wearing masks?" Mercury and Emerald could only blink in dumbfounded awe as they watched the teams before them and, after a moment of this, Josuke just shrugged.

"I guess not. Alright, come on gang, they couldn't have gotten far!" With that, the three teams sprinted off, leaving Mercury and Emerald there to just sit and stare.

"... How are they all this dumb?! HOW HAVE WE NOT BEEN CAUGHT YET!?" Emerald screamed as she grabbed her head, as Mercury suddenly realized something.

"So… how are we gonna get Cinder out of jail anyway?" The silver haired teen asked, as Emerald just stopped her ranting and, instead, turned to face him.

"... Uuuuuuuuuuhhhhh…"

* * *

City of Vale Maximum Security Prison, 3 Months Later

Sirens rang and echoed throughout the complex as an escape attempt had been made, guards of all stripes were on lookout as they scoured the maximum security prison for the escapee. Unbeknownst to them, a mile away from the actual grounds of the prison, a shovel broke through the ground as, slowly but surely, Cinder Fall pulled herself up out of the dirt. She gasped for air as she clawed her way out from the ground and immediately flopped onto her back, the normally pretty looking young woman covered in dirt and grime as she inhaled the sweet, sweet air of freedom that she'd been denied all these months.

Nearby, Mercury and Emerald stood, the silver haired teen holding a bag of popcorn while Emerald helped Cinder to her feet.

"So boss, how'd you like prison?" Mercury popped a few kernels of popcorn into his mouth as he said this, as Cinder turned her amber eyes upon him, a hateful look to her as she seemed to get ready to scream and shout.

"... Honestly, it wasn't that bad." Cinder's response surprised both as she immediately calmed down, a serene smile on her face. "Oh sure it was tough and I wasn't used to it at first, but by meeting an eclectic group of characters that helped me advance myself as a person and embrace my true nature, I found prison to become a little more of a journey of personal discovery than I had thought. It would've made for an excellent series on Netflix."

"... Really?" Mercury asked, only to be clocked upside the head with the shovel Cinder had used to dig herself out of the prison with.

"NO NOT REALLY YOU DUMB BASTARD! I GOT SHANKED! FIFTEEN TIMES! The only reason I got out was because I smuggled in enough cigarettes for the bitch who kept shanking me to get this shovel!"

"How did you smuggle those in anyway?" Emerald asked, as Cinder shuddered.

"You don't want to know…" Cinder shook her head, before she turned to look at them. "However… this will all have been worth it if Whitesnake's advice helped ensure our freedom so that we could continue our work and the expressions on your faces is telling me that it didn't and we would've been fine if we did basically nothing…" Cinder frowned as Mercury and Emerald nodded at her assessment, as Cinder tore the little black and white striped prison hat from off her head and tossed it into the ground.

"That rat bastard has been fucking with me this entire time! Every single Goddamn time he's called, it's been to have me do something that'd just ruin my plans or get me covered in sewage or have me thrown in jail with Miss Likes To Stab! Well, I've learned my lesson! I'm not going to fall for it anymore! He'll see, he'll see what happens when you mess with-"

 **RING-RING-RING, RING-RING-RING**

All gathered parties paused as Emerald's Scroll rang, the girl pulled it out and was surprised to see that it had been Whitesnake calling for her. Immediately, Cinder reached forward, snatched it up and immediately threw it off into the distance, the black haired woman taking deep, angry breaths as she glared off after the scroll.

"NO! NO MORE OF THAT!" Cinder cast a mad gaze about as she stood her ground, a crazed chuckle escaped her lips as she tented her fingers together. "We are going to sit here and do nothing! If we do that, then nothing bad can happen and that bastard will be shown up! We'll show him that you can't mess with us! That you can't trick Cinder Fall more than a handful of times before I get it! YOU'LL SEE YOU BASTARD, I'LL SHOW YOU! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA-"

Cinder Fall was immediately cut off as, out of the blue, a safe fell right on top of her and immediately crushed her. Emerald's eyes practically bugged out of her head as she took the sight in, while Mercury just shrugged his shoulders.

"I mean really, who didn't see that one coming." The two were kept from speaking further as, in the blink of an eye, a yellow glow forced its way out from underneath the safe and flowed into Emerald, as the young woman just looked at herself.

"Uuuuuuuhhhhh…"

"Huh, wonder what Salem's going to think of this."

"... Fuck me…"

"I would but you won't let me."

Emerald took the time to slap Mercury with the power of the Fall Maiden before they both ran from the guards, who had arrived to investigate the falling safe.

* * *

"And thus Cinder Fall, hoisted by her own petard, died. All because she didn't take the obviously not evil Enrico Pucci's friendly advice which had only occasionally backfired, not because he was evil, but just due to circumstances that he couldn't have seen coming even though he possessed a book that could see the future, he swore."

Enrico Pucci closed Thoth and sighed with a slight smile to his lips, as he quickly poured himself another glass of tea and took a long, nice sip of it, the honey sweet on his tongue as he felt satisfied by his sudden but inevitable not-betrayal of Cinder Fall.

"I love this book. Such a good read." Enrico Pucci took another long sip of his tea as he just smiled.

So remember kids, sometimes your friends will give you what sounds like good advice and without meaning to, it'll end up backfiring on you in a horrific manner that no one will have seen coming. Unless of course they meant for it to, in which case they did see it coming and they were fucking with you. But that can be hard to tell, so you really need to go on a case-by-case basis, unless a pattern of behavior forms where it's obvious they're screwing with you, but sometimes they'll still come through or ignoring them will only end up screwing you over because you end up unintentionally painting yourself into a corner...

You know what, just don't be friends with evil, gay priests. That's probably a simpler moral.

 _ **Fin**_

* * *

 **Wait what, you mean Whitesnake was Enrico Pucci this entire time? Noooooo, couldn't be true.**

 **See you all on the 14th with Skin Deep (Act 3)! It'll be the third month of continuous, once every five days updates, so that'll be a nice little milestone to look forward to! I hope you all enjoyed and have a good week.**


	3. Enrico Pucci Resets The Universe

"Maaan. Ever since Josuke and his team showed up, all the really meaty cases have been taken up by either his team or Teams RWBY and JNPR."

Indeed, the Ace Junior Detectives had hit a bit of a dry spot ever since the arrival of the Frontier Huntsmen. With all the most hot cases on the market being those involved Stands Users or affiliated of the White Fang, the Junior Detective had found their turf being muscles in on by their fellow students. Teams JOJO, RWBY and JNPR had been taken down several of these folks and, slowly but surely, the relevance of The City of Vale's best Junior Detective Squad was going down the drain.

"Cheer up Neptune! We're only one big case away from reminding people why this city absolutely needs the Junior Detectives! We just gotta crack the biggest, most important case of the century and then everyone will come flooding to us, begging us to solve their problems." Sun's tail whipped around energetically with his speech as Neptune just arched an eyebrow.

"Okay, but where are we going to find a case involving someone so heinously evil that busting them would get everyone back on our sides again Sun?" Sun and Neptune slowly scratched their chins as they thought deeply about this conundrum. Before long, it had seemed that fate had granted them their opportunity. As they turned a corner, the two teenagers were thoroughly shocked by what they had seen; a dark skinned, white haired man of an above average height dressed in priestly garbs who, at that very moment, had been strangling Zwei, his hands firmly wrapped around the little corgi's throat as he shook it about.

"OH MY GOD! Sun, are you seeing this?!" Neptune asked, sounding horrified, as Sun just nodded.

"Yeah… this is totally the opportunity we've been waiting for Neptune!" With that, the two teens hi-fived the other in celebration before they slipped on their detective mustaches. With little time to spare, the two immediately barreled forward and tackled the dark skinned man to the ground, who just immediately collapsed under the weight of the two teens.

"What are you two doing!?" The man had demanded, frustrated, as Neptune and Sun just stood over him.

"We're The City of Vale's Ace Junior Detectives and we're here to put you under arrest for animal abuse Mr… uuuuhhhh, actually don't recognize you." The dark skinned man's brown eyes blinked up at the two teens as he shook his head.

"Oh, officers, you're mistaken; I'm not abusing that little dog. It's choking on a bit of food and I was helping it cough it up." Sun and Neptune just stared at the dark skinned man with deeply confused expressions, before Sun shook his head.

"You can't fool us you… obviously evil guy! You were strangling Zwei, it's as obvious as the hair on the top of your-"

 **HACK!**

Sun and Neptune flinched as they looked back up to Zwei, their expressions dumbfounded as the little corki had managed to cough up a whole turkey all at once. Zwei, completely unperturbed, then immediately picked the turkey back up into its mouth and tried to eat it again.

"Wha?" Neptune's mouth was agape as he mumbled this, the dark skinned man having taken their confusion as an opportunity to force himself back up unto his feet.

"You see officers, I wasn't hurting that dog, I was helping it. Everything I do, I do because I want to help others." The dark skinned man gave the two junior detectives a short bow as he smiled. "Allow me to introduce myself; I am Enrico Pucci, and I'm completely and totally not evil."

Sun and Neptune just stared at Enrico Pucci with a combination of bewilderment and a little bit of shame. The two sheepishly scratched the backs of their head as they watched Enrico Pucci walk over to Zwei and pat the pup on its head.

"Well, jeez, sorry sir. It's just, when we saw what you were doing to our friend's dog we assumed the worst. We promise, the Ace Junior Detectives will never-"

 **ARF!**

Once again Neptune and Sun were left stunned and confused as, seemingly out of nowhere, Enrico Pucci reared his leg back and kicked Zwei, punting the poor little corgi several dozen feet away as the little dog soared through the sky like a ballistic missile.

"Dude, what the fuck! That it, knew you were bad news, Neptune, book this guy for-"

"Thanks Pucci, Zwei really did need to get to his vet appointment!"

Once again, Neptune and Sun were left aghast as down the very street Enrico Pucci had kicked Ruby's dog stood Ruby Rose. Zwei, dazed and growling in light pain, just sat ill-contentedly in her arms by the nearby vet.

"I swear, he's such a stubborn little dog, hates going to the vet. Thanks for helping him get here!"

"It's no trouble of mine Miss Rose, I'm always happy to help in anyway I can."

"Ruby! You can't seriously miss what this guy just did to Zwei!" Sun screamed at the top of his lungs as Ruby's silver eyes just blinked a couple times.

"Well duh- Pucci here just helped Zwei get to the vet, even though he was being a little butt about not wanting to go! He's such a good guy." Ruby said with another grateful wave Pucci's way.

"He kicked your dog! Most people would just pick up pets they wanted to get to the vet! Plus he was strangling it earlier! Don't you think that's a little, oh, I dunno, strange for a good person to be doing?!" Neptune followed up as Ruby just shrugged.

"Yeah I saw that too; Zwei was just choking on some turkey you guys. I really don't get how you guys aren't understanding this; Pucci's totally not a bad guy at all, he says so himself!" Ruby said with a firm nod, once followed up by Pucci.

"It's true, I'm completely and totally not evil."

"See! Gosh, I swear, you boys are so distrusting, isn't that right Zwei?" One pitiful whine from the little corgi only earned him a roll of the eyes from Ruby Rose. "Ugh, not you too Zwei. What is with people and not trusting perfectly nice and not evil strangers that we just met five minutes ago? Has the world lost its ability to trust?" With that, Ruby Rose walked into the vet and Pucci turned to face Neptune and Sun who had merely flinched as he faced them.

"Well, it was nice meeting you boys. I'm off to go do perfectly innocuous things that in no way are evil and are for the benefit of all-mankind. Have a good day." With that, the dark skinned priest roamed off to somewhere else in Vale while Neptune and Sun just watched him go.

"Neptune, you thinking what I'm thinking?" Sun asked conspiratorially as he leaned in close to his partner, the blue haired of the duo just nodding along as he stroked his chin.

"Yeah… that Enrico Pucci is totally not evil." Neptune said with a satisfied smile, which quickly vanished when Sun slapped him across the back of the head.

"No you idiot! I'm thinking that Enrico Pucci is totally evil and we're the only ones who can see it!"

"What? Oh! I mean, yeah, right, totally, I was just, I was just kidding Sun. Hahahaha…" Sun's eyes narrowed at Neptune's nervous disposition before the blond monkey faunus just sighed, shook his head, and looked off into the distance where Pucci had disappeared.

"This is it Neptune, our big break. A villain only we, the Ace Junior Detectives, have noticed. An evil that only we can perceive! If we bust this guy then not only will we be famous, but we'll have done a good for the world by stopping this guy from accomplishing… uh… whatever evil plan he has going on, I'm sure."

"You really think so Sun?" Neptune asked, hope clear in his eyes, as Sun just nodded firmly.

"I do Neptune, I do." With that, Sun pumped his arm up towards the sky. "Look out world, because the Junior Detectives have locked on to their next case! We'll stop Enrico Pucci's nefarious plans if it's the last thing we do!"

"Yeah!" With that, the two Junior Detectives jumped up into the air and high-fived each other. "Nothing could possibly go wrong!"

" _ **Enrico Pucci Resets The Universe**_ "

"So, what's step one in the plan Sun?"

"Step one Neptune is to try to get everyone to think Pucci's evil by way of guilt by association. You see, if no one will think Pucci's obviously evil based upon his public actions, then our next best shot is to damn him by pointing out if his friends are totally and unabashedly evil." Sun pointed to his head with a grin on his face as Neptune just blinked.

"Okay, but what if Pucci doesn't have any evil friends? I mean, what then?" Neptune asked, arms crossed, as Sun just rolled his eyes.

"C'mon Neptune, everyone knows that good guys only hang out with good guys and bad guys only hang out with bad guys. Just look at all our friends and then look at who that Roman Torchwick guy hangs out with. People of different moralities don't hang out with each other." Sun said with a lackadaisical grin as Neptune just tapped his chin in thought.

"Oh hey Sun, hey Neptune." Koichi passed by at that moment, Neopolitan following close behind, as the two waved over at the Junior Detectives.

"Hey!" Neptune and Sun waved back as they walked on off.

"I guess you're right Sun, that is a good plan." Neptune said with a firm nod as he slipped on his false mustache. Sun quickly followed up with his own as he grinned cheekily at his teammate.

"Right? Now, let's tail Pucci and see what sort of nefarious evil-doers he surrounds himself with!"

* * *

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yes! Our nefarious plans are all coming together! Soon, all of Remnant shall shiver and quake in fear before the might of our evil schemes! The human race shall face a reckoning that not even Dio Brando could possibly bring upon them! My Queen, The Evil Salem, shall rule over this planet with an iron fist!"

Off to the side of Cinder Fall's villainous monologue, Pucci sat gathered around a card table with various other cohorts and associated as he dumped a few cards from his hand into a pile in the middle.

"That's nice Cinder, now would you kindly keep it down, the rest of us are trying to play a card game." Enrico Pucci's eyes were cast across the table at the various men who had sat at the table. "Alright boys, read them and weep." With that, Pucci dealt his hand, much to the chagrin of those gathered at the table.

One of the men, a handsome blond with thick lips and a pale complexion, eyes hidden behind a pair of thick sunglasses, groaned as he slapped his cards down on the table. "I knew I should've had an ace or two up my sleeve before coming into this. Or at the very least, I should've ensured my victory was much more secure. I have a right to be happy for once dammit."

"Hey at least you win sometimes… I just keep sinking deeper and deeper into this shit…" The man just to his right, similarly pale and his hair kept tucked under a purple knit cap, sighed as he lifted his own shades, momentarily revealing a 'U'-shaped mark under his left eye, before he put his flat face in his hands.

The last of the men at the table, a pink and black haired young man, similarly handsome to the blond, just smiled with a shrug as he placed his cards on the table and readjusted his shades. "It was a good game Pucci. I have to say, it's always a pleasure to lose to such a skilled poker player. I just hope that I've shown my own progress after all this time."

Cinder watched all of this with a disgusted look on her face as she shook her head. "You fools are playing a game of cards while there's EVIL MONOLOGUING about our EVIL PLANS to be done?! What kind of NEFARIOUS VILLAINS are you all?" Pucci and the three young men just stared back at Cinder, blank expressions similar to Pucci's own probably hidden under the shades of the three young men, as they all just dealt out a new hand.

Meanwhile, several dozen feet away, Sun and Neptune watched the display with keen, laser-like focus.

"Damn… Pucci's even more nefarious than we thought! He's brought completely innocent and kind people into his circle of friends in order to disguise how truly villainous he is!" Sun grunted in annoyance as he pounded a fist into his open palm while Neptune just raised a wary eyebrow.

"I dunno man, didn't you hear what Cinder Fall was saying? Sounded kinda suspicious if you ask me." Sun gasped in shock as he looked over at Neptune with disbelieving eyes.

"Neptune! I can't believe you! Cinder is our friend! We've known her through indirect contact with Mercury and Emerald for almost two months now! How could you cast such aspersions on her obviously and totally noble character!" Sun said with a great deal of dismay as he placed his hands on his hips, tears having pricked the corners of Neptune's eyes.

"Y-You're right Sun… I… I don't know what I was thinking… I think I've let this investigation get to my head. I've lost sight of the real evil here!" Sun nodded firmly at Neptune's declaration.

"That's right man. We have to keep a laser-like focus on Pucci. We can't let his nefarious plots make us suspect completely innocent and trustworthy individuals like Cinder Fall!"

"BEACON ACADEMY WILL FALL TO MY GLORIOUS EVIL, AND I SHALL STOMP ON ITS ASHES!"

"Such a kind person!" Sun declared with a firm nod as he stroked his chin. "Alright, if we can't get people to believe Pucci's evil with his obviously evil actions and we can't get them to do it by showing off evil friends he doesn't have, then there's only one thing we can do… we gotta bust into his place with the others and find some evil plans!"

* * *

Enrico Pucci's Apartment, Later That Evening

"Ah. Nothing quite like a long day of helping people according to The Plan and not being evil. It does the soul good to service the people of Remnant in such a way. Now then, I do believe I left some tea in my cupboard…" Enrico Pucci entered his apartment in Remnant with a smile on his face, one that disappeared immediately upon having seen Teams RWBY, JOJO, JNPR and Sun and Neptune all gathered in the living space of his apartment.

"Oh, I wasn't aware that I would have company. Hello there children, would you all like some tea?"

"Cut the act Pucci, we know what you're up to now! We're all here to stop you and your villainous schemes before they can take root, right guys?!" The mustachioed Sun Wukong exclaimed with a determined jab of his finger, while the rest of the group just shrugged.

"Actually he just paid us all one hundred Lien to come here to see what the Heck he was talking about. I don't think any of us would've shown up if he hadn't." Okuyasu stated honestly, the wind having thoroughly been sucked out of Sun's sails as he said this.

"Yeah, especially because they're still going on about this stuff with you being evil Pucci! I keep telling them that you're not, but they won't believe us!" Ruby said with a slight stamp of her foot as Enrico nodded his head.

"It's true, I'm not evil."

"See! Sun, Neptune, you guys just need to learn to be more trusting." Jaune said with a firm nod as Sun just screamed slightly.

"Alright, shut up! You guys don't believe us now, but you will when you see… THIS!" From a nearby corner, Sun pulled out a rolling whiteboard with a throw cloth placed over it. With dramatic flair, Sun ripped off the cloth to reveal several sketches and sentences drawn across the whiteboard; images of members of the Joestar Family being stabbed by Pucci, Pucci standing over the defeated bodies of Team RWBY, Pucci torturing members of Team JNPR and, in an off corner, Pucci making out with Dio Brando.

Above all of this was the underlined phrase… 'Enrico Pucci's NOT Evil Plan'. Despite the heading, even members of Teams JOJO, RWBY and JNPR seemed a little distraught at the images on the board.

"Pucci… can you explain all of this?" Josuke asked, sounding betrayed, as Pucci just nodded.

"I can indeed Josuke… these are my totally not evil plans." Everyone just blinked as Pucci walked over to the board and pointed, first, to the headline. "See, NOT Evil, so therefore, it's not evil." Pucci said with a satisfied nod as Sun and Neptune just scoffed.

"Oh yeah, totally not evil, that's why you're stabbing the Joestars!" Neptune declared with a great deal of gusto, as Pucci just pointed out what the Joestars were being stabbed with. Upon closer inspection, people realized that Pucci had been stabbing the Joestars in the various marker sketches with… flowers. And that the Joestars in the pictures were smiling.

"See, I'm not stabbing them with knives, I'm stabbing them with kindness, kindness represented by pretty flowers." Pucci said with a shake of his head as the rest of the group muttered amongst themselves.

"You're still stabbing them! And what about Team RWBY?! You're standing over their defeated bodies!" Pucci again nodded as he pointed out a few things in the sketch that most people had missed… pillows.

"You're right, I had defeated Team RWBY… in the most life-or-death pillow fight of their lives. I won of course, because I'm older and more experienced in the ways of fighting with cloth sacks stuffed with bird feathers." Pucci declared with a great deal of pride. "Many a long night was spent with my master pillow fighting."

Again, everyone but Sun and Neptune started nodding understandingly.

"B-B-But… okay, but Team JNPR-"

"Tickle torture." Indeed, there were no instruments of torture at the end of drawn Pucci's hands, and from a certain perspective, it did look like Team JNPR was laughing in the sketch.

"And you making out with Dio Brando!?" The entire room went silent at this as everyone just stared at Enrico Pucci, waiting for an answer.

"... Well he was hot." Pucci said with absolutely no hesitation…

"... Yeah, he was, I'll give him that." Yang said with a firm nod as everyone motioned to agree with her and Pucci, much to Sun's and Neptune's displeasure.

"GUYS! These plans are totally evil! Just because he barely disguised them as something else doesn't make them not evil!"

"He's right… the heading does though. NOT Evil, remember?" Pucci asked again as Teams RWBY, JNPR and JOJO agreed.

"Yeah! Jeez, you guys got us all worked up for nothing. Again! Come on Pucci, let's treat you to some ice cream to make up for these jerks and their judgemental ways." Weiss declared firmly as the three teams and Pucci exited his apartment, having left Neptune and Sun alone.

"... AAAAAH!" Sun beat his head against a nearby wall out of frustration as he vented his anger, while Neptune seemed just about ready to tear his luscious blue hair out by the roots as the two practically convulsed with anger.

"I can't believe this! We had him! We had him right there and they just believed him! Again!" Neptune shook his head as he said this while Sun immediately turned on his heels to face his friend.

"Mark my words Neptune and mark them well; no matter how long it takes, no matter how many times we have to try, we'll convince everyone that Pucci's actually evil. If it takes us forever, we'll convince everyone that he's evil! Shake on it?" Sun extended his hand out to Neptune, who just firmly grasped his team leader's hand and shook it.

"Yeah! We'll get Pucci eventually!

* * *

Years Later

A group of valiant warriors stared on in horror.

A bright light had shone from the window that had hanging from it one Enrico Pucci, C-Moon floating just behind him.

In a matter of moments, the world they had known fell away and all they could see around them was the deep vacuum of space. Despite this, they all had managed to stand tall and proud, despite the lack of solid ground beneath their feet.

When the light had cleared, Enrico Pucci floated before them, a veritable angel in all his glow and luster. To his side a glorious, white and black Stand with the appearance of the upper-half of a man stapled onto the front half of a horse. Stand and Stand Master zipped across this existence at break-neck speeds, ones that even Ruby Rose knew she could not match.

"You foolish monkeys thought you could stand up to a lion… now, witness how truly useless your efforts are!" Enrico Pucci's eyes shone with the blaring light of a star as he stared down at his collected enemies. "I stand before you with the collected efforts of Lord Dio's plan for this sinful world; **[Made in Heaven]**! With this Stand, I shall finally reset the universe and perfect it! Every human being will know their purpose in their own bones and never want for direction in their lives again, the Grimm shall be but a distant memory as this newly empowered mankind pushes them back and, most importantly of all, Lord Dio's mortal enemies, the Joestar Family, shall be scoured from the very fabric of time and space itself!

"Lord Dio could not have lived to see himself become the God of this new world… but I, Enrico Pucci, shall serve in his place! I shall see to it that Dio's ideals, his **[Heaven]** , shall bear fruit for all life on the world! His vision shall become reality and all those who shall live in his glorious new world shall bear witness to his glory and benevolence!"

All stared on in horror as Enrico Pucci's megalomania, made exponentially worse by his fusion with Dio Brando's bone and the subsumption of some of the vile, evil monster's personality, lay bare before them. Few could understand the depths of the evil now plain to see before them…

"WE TOLD YOU!"

Except for Sun Wukong and Neptune Vasilias, who stood at the back of the group, false mustaches still very much in place.

"All these years we've said 'Enrico Pucci is totally evil you guys, don't trust him' and you never believed us! Well, look at what's happened! We had every opportunity to stop him before this point and you guys did nothing! I think Neptune and I are owed an apology!"

Everyone just stared at Neptune and Sun for a moment, the collected gang of hunters, gangsters and people of various stripes of life just coughing into their fists awkwardly as they did so before, finally, Ruby Rose stepped forward.

"Guys… you were right. You kept telling us this entire time and we didn't believe you. We're sorry."

"Yeah." Jaune stepped up next, awkwardly scratching the back of his head. "We should've trusted our friends rather than continually believe the words of a stranger. We really needed to trust you guys more."

"Indeed. We probably should've seen this coming but, well, I guess we were just blind." Josuke remarked as he kicked a bit of the space beneath his foot. "Do you think you guys can-"

"By the way I'm still totally and completely not evil!"

"GAAAAH!" With that, everyone but Neptune and Sun groaned as they shook their heads.

"Jeez, we should've known. Man, you guys really nearly got us this time." Josuke remarked dryly as Neptune and Sun stared on in completely and utter disbelief.

"WHAT?!"

"Yeah. You guys have just so pointlessly hated on Pucci for so long for no reason… you know, I think it's time we sat down and had a serious talk with you two. About an ugly little word called 'prejudice'." Ruby Rose wagged her finger at the two who just stared in deadly disbelief at her.

"... Excuse me? The fuck was that?" Sun Wukong, the Monkey Faunus, asked Ruby Rose while Neptune just shook his head.

"Oh fuck me, this joke's going exactly where I think it's going, isn't it?" Neptune palmed his face into his hands as Ruby nodded.

"You heard me Sun. It hasn't clicked with me why you'd hate Enrico Pucci even after all this time, but now I get it. The only reason you could hate a totally not evil guy like him is because he's-"

"Here it fucking comes…" Neptune shook his head in disbelief while Sun's jaw dropped in preparation for what Ruby was about to say.

"-a Priest!" Ruby pointed an accusatory finger at Sun and Neptune, who both went from dismay to completely and total confusion as they blinked disbelievingly at Ruby Rose.

"Oh… well, no. But, you know what, thanks Ruby for being tasteful about this. This joke could've really gone straight to the gutter, and I'm glad that you were above that sort of crass-"

"And cause he's black."

"YANG!" Ruby cried out indignantly at her sister who just shrugged.

"What? Everyone was thinking it!" Everyone glared at Yang as she said this, all the while Pucci finished up his preparations for resetting the universe.

"By the way, before I do this, I have a confession to make." At this, everyone turned to face Enrico Pucci, Sun and Neptune with hopeful expressions on their face as Enrico Pucci stared down at all of them. "I'm not actually black."

"... Wait, what?"

With that last bit of utter disbelief, Enrico Pucci managed to completely and totally reset the universe in the blink of an eye.

So remember kids; you judge the shit out of those books and their covers. Especially if they're obviously evil. Otherwise, a gay priest will reset the universe and it'll all be your fault.

 _ **Fin**_

* * *

Meanwhile, In The SBR Chibi Universe

"Listen, Johnny, I've been thinking…"

"What is it Gyro?"

"It's just… whatever faults Valentine has as a man, his goals aren't exactly selfish. Yes, he wants to empower the United States to the exclusion of all other countries, but he's not doing it for his own personal enrichment. He's doing it for the people of a country he feels like he needs to serve. Compared to us… I don't know. We don't exactly have selfless aims in this race Johnny, nor do we have a goal that's as grand as Valentine's.

"I'm just wondering… perhaps… just maybe… we're the ones who're evil."

"... Honestly Gyro, I couldn't give less of a shit. I just want to be able to walk again."

"..."

"..."

"... You know what, you make a valid and convincing argument Johnny Joestar! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to sing a song about pizza mozzarella!"

"Please don't."

So remember kids, don't give a shit about what anyone else wants or what their goals might be and think only of your own goal and those of your close circle of friends. Especially if they're an evil gay priest or especially especially if Jesus tells you it's okay!

* * *

 **A/N: Nothing much to say here, just had two different ending morals in mind that I wanted to use so I did. For those of you who are experiencing the Alert problem like the rest of us, Beacon is Unbreakable did update five days ago with a new chapter. See you all in five days with the next chapter of Beacon is Unbreakable! Hope you all did swell on your exams!**


	4. Penny Gets Friendzoned By An Alien

It was a bright, beautiful day in Vale. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping and citizens had gone to local parks throughout the entire city to have picnics. There must've been no other place as pretty as this city. On a day like this, it would've been remiss for a group of antsy, active teens to not be out and about enjoying the sunshine and good weather. To that end, Teams RWBY, JNPR and JOJO had done just that and insisted that they would have spent the day just relaxing, having a good time and enjoying themselves. It all seemed to be going well, all except for Ruby Rose, who seemed downtrodden and depressed the entire time.

"Yo sis, what's with the bad mood?" Yang asked casually as the group had busted out a picnic blanket and various bits of food with napkins and plastic utensils strewn about. Ruby just sighed melancholically as she shook her head.

"Oh, you know, I just miss Penny. I haven't seen her in weeks and I just know she's got to be feeling pretty lonely. I mean, we're her only friends-" At the slight grimace the rest of Team RWBY gave, the silver eyed young woman just shook her head, "-I'm her only friend, so I have to imagine she's just so lonely right now."

"Come on, she can't be that bad, right?" Josuke asked, curiously, as he chewed a sandwich. "I mean, she made friends with you, right? She can't be that awkward if she managed that. This Penny person's probably managed to get at least one other friend, right?" Josuke asked with a tilt of his head as all four members of Team RWBY, even Ruby herself at that point, just grimaced and shook their heads.

"Yeah no, trust us, you'd know it if you met her. She's…" Weiss tried to think of the nicest way to put it.

"Very, very, very weird." Blake finished as she took a bite out of some tuna she'd brought along. "Like, weirder than any of you guys." Josuke, Okuyasu and Koichi all looked at each other, questioning whether they should be offended at that remark, before they turned back to the rest of the group.

"Well who knows, maybe we'll be able to find her and check in on her." Jaune helpfully suggested as Ruby just shook her head.

"I really doubt it… trust me. It's not like we're just going to stumble across her or anything."

At that moment, Penny ran across the group having been running backwards, arms positioned to catch something out of mid air, before she tripped over Ruby, the pair having collapsed onto the ground. Ruby choked and gasped as the extremely heavy robot girl ended up on top of her, a little white frisbee having fallen behind the rest of the group as everyone else immediately stood up to help the two.

"Penny! Oh my gosh! I can't believe it! Where have you been, we haven't seen you in such a long time!" Ruby declared excitedly as she wrapped her arms around her robot friend, who just smiled and hugged her back, having nearly broken her spine.

"Sal-u-tations Ruby. I'm sorry that it's been so long since we last spoke; the Dance Arc has just been so far off since the beginning and my character's been kept locked out of the plot because of Ironwood." Everyone coughed a bit into their fists as they all glanced weakly towards the fourth wall, all the while Penny just beamed.

"Well I'm glad to see you here Penny! What are you doing?"

"Oh, I've just been playing toss the frisbee with my new friend." Penny declared quite excitedly as Ruby's face seemingly froze.

"Say what now?" Weiss asked, honestly shocked by the notion that Penny would've made a new friend on her own.

"Yes, I have been playing all sorts of games and doing fun activities with a new friend that I made while with Atlas. We were bunker buddies." Penny exclaimed, to which Pyrrha just tilted her head curiously.

"Don't you mean bunk buddies?" Before Penny could correct Pyrrha Ruby jumped forward and slapped a hand over the red headed robot's mouth.

"Yeah! That's what she meant!" With that, Ruby pulled back and looked behind Penny, only to see no one there. "Where is your new friend, Penny?" With that, Penny put a finger to her lips as she scrunched her face up in thought.

"I'm not sure. He just told me to go long and catch the frisbee, and that he would catch it when I threw it back. I didn't see where he… oh there he is!" Penny pointed back towards the picnic blanket where the frisbee had landed, drawing everyone's attention there. Everyone flinched a bit as they saw a young looking man with long, platinum blond hair, wearing a uniform none too dissimilar to Team JOJO's as he hunched over their blanket and, judging by the sounds he was making, eating some of their food.

"Hey, that's really rude you know, you can't just sneak around people… and… eat their… food…" Ren's voice slowly died down as the young man stood and turned to face them. His eyes were a very bright green color and popped along with his hair and his very light skin tone. His ears, oddly enough, were pointed at the end and extended off several inches at that. His appearance was odd too; for one, he had a nose-ring that included as part of it a chain that looped down and back up to one of the earrings he wore. Along the front of his uniform were various star and alien-themed pins.

That hadn't been what caught people off guard. No, what had caught people off guard was the fact that what the young man had been eating was a pile of the napkins they'd brought along for the picnic.

"Uuuuuhhhh…" Everyone looked over to Penny, who just chuckled at the display as she ran over to the young man.

"Friends, this is Mikitaka, a friend I have made very recently as part of my stay with Atlas and Mr. Ironwood." With that, the young man merely waved casually.

"Hello, I am Nu Mikitakazo Nshi and I'm an alien… but my friends call me Mikitaka." With that, Mikitaka lowered his hand, as if he had said the most normal thing in the world, as he looked out at the rest of the gathered teens who just look worriedly at him.

"UUUUUUUUHHHHH…." The group sweat profusely as Penny just chuckled.

"Isn't he just great?"

" _ **Penny Gets Friendzoned By An Alien**_ "

"Hmph!"

Back in their dorm room, Team RWBY sat around relaxing after their… odd picnic encounter. The entire team seemed ready to put the event behind them.

"HMPH!"

All except for Ruby Rose who, with increasing volume, made clear her displeasure as she flopped about the room. At first, the others had tried to ignore her, figuring she'd either tire herself out or find something else to do besides mope if they just didn't pay it any mind.

"HRRRRUMPH!"

Finally, when Ruby had bodily thrown herself on top of Weiss, the white haired girl just sighed as she set her textbook aside.

"Ruby, you sound like something's bothering you. What's wrong?" Her tone was flat and clearly annoyed though Ruby seemed to ignore it as she hopped off of Weiss.

"Oh, it's nothing Weiss…" Ruby attempted to play casual though immediately dropped that guise as Weiss threatened to pick her book back up. "I mean, it's just, you know, Penny and her new friend..."

"Didn't think you'd get jealous over one of your friends making more friends Rubes. I mean, Hell, JoJo's practically friends with everyone we know now and you haven't gotten all possessive with him." Yang commented as she leaned over the side of her bunk as Ruby just shook her head.

"No, it isn't that! I'm glad Penny's making new friends that she can hang out with whenever she can't see us." Ruby bemoaned as she slumped down a bit. "I'm just worried that she's not gonna want to be my friend anymore because I'm just plain compared to Mikitaka."

"... Ruby… trust me, you shouldn't be comparing yourself unfavorably to Mikitaka." Blake commented awkwardly as she closed her own copy of Ninjas of Love. "I mean, the guy wasn't just weird, he was… really creepy." The other three members of team RWBY shuddered as they recalled their encounter with the strange boy. Penny had been awkward, but Mikitaka… had been very, very, uncomfortably weird.

"I watched him try to offer some young kids ice cream he just pulled out of his bag." Weiss shook her head at the thought, as Yang just shuddered a bit.

"You mean the same bag that he pulled the house rat out of?" Yang wasn't exactly the type to be afraid of mice or rats, but the thought of carrying one of those diseased little pets around in your bag next to food did disgust her.

"... The very same." Weiss commented as she shook her head.

"Plus there was all that stuff he was spouting about being an alien…" Blake said with a sigh.

"I know, he's just too cool!" Ruby whined as the rest of her team practically broke their necks to look over at her.

"WHAT!?"

"Yeah! He has a little pet mouse that he takes care of, he has treats and sweets just in his bag to give out and he's an alien! How am I supposed to compete as a cool friend with an alien?! I'm sure Penny would rather hang out with an alien than with some normal, boring human girl." Ruby slumped down onto a nearby desk as she whined, the rest of Team RWBY having quickly gotten up off their seats or beds.

"Ruby, Mikitaka isn't actually an alien, he's just a creep." Blake said with a frown as Ruby just seemed shocked.

"What?!"

"Yeah Rubes, the guy probably just says he's an alien to make up for the fact that he's a total weirdo." Yang folded her arms as she spoke, as Ruby just shook her head.

"Come on, I mean, how likely is it that he's actually just a normal guy who just happens to be super weird and self-conscious about it so he makes up a story about being an alien rather than actually being an alien from outer space that- okay I see your point now."

"You see Ruby, you really need to get proof of these sorts of things before you go believing whatever anyone tells you. It's not safe to be that gullible." Weiss chided the silver eyed young woman as Ruby just nodded.

"You mean like when Penny showed me the metal under her hands to prove she was a robot?"

"Wait what?"

"NOTHING, I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!"

At that, Penny opened the door to their dorm and walked right on in, a slightly concerned look on her face. "Am I interrupting an argument? If need be, I'll come by later."

"No Penny, you weren't interrupting anything!" Ruby immediately leapt over to her robot friend, desperate for a change in conversation, as she smiled at the red headed android. "What are you doing here Penny, I figured you'd be… you know… back?" Ruby tried to keep Atlas 'collecting' her quiet, to which Penny just shrugged.

"I have no idea. I would have figured that they'd be searching for me too, but perhaps they're busy with something else at the moment?"

* * *

"Sir! We can't find the android either! She must've gotten out during the big break!" Ironwood just sighed as he shook his head, running his prosthetic hand through his increasingly grey hair.

"We can worry about finding Penny later. Right now, we got to find the man-made Stands and bring them back in! If Jotaro finds out about them, he's going to kick our asses in Stopped Time!"

* * *

"Not that I'm too broken up about it, it gives me more time to spend with my friends." Penny said with a bright smile, one that Ruby readily returned… before she frowned slightly.

"Speaking of… Penny, are you sure Mikitaka's an alien?" Ruby asked, clearly concerned, as Penny just nodded firmly.

"Abs-o-lutely! He's shown me proof and everything!" At that, the rest of Team RWBY perked up in interest as Ruby's silver eyes went wide.

"What, really?" They all asked in unison as Penny just nodded.

"Indeed! He showed me this very strange watch that he used to call his spaceship back to Remnant! He says it'll be arriving tonight!" At that, Weiss, Blake and Yang's interest immediately dropped, it having been clear to them that this was some trick or ploy to stall for time on behalf of Mikitaka. Ruby, on the other hand…

"No way! He really is an alien! I can't believe it!" At this point, the three older members of Team RWBY had just about had it for the day and started to wander back to their comfort spots across the room. Penny, ignoring this, just nodded vigorously.

"Indeed. Mikitaka seemed very excited about it too. He said that come tonight, he'd even let me ride on his rocket."

…

Weiss, Blake and Yang paused as Penny said this, their faces scrunched up for a moment as they let the phrasing go through their head. Nah, it couldn't be. Their minds were all in the gutter for various reasons. There was no way that-

"What, no way!" Ruby exclaimed, jealously clear on her face, as Penny just nodded.

"Indeed. The only thing he wanted to make sure of before he let me ride it was whether or not I'd ever been probed before. It seemed like an odd question to ask, but I told him no and he seemed rather pleased."

"Oh man, I wanna ride on his rocket!"

"RUBY!" At that, Ruby and Penny turned to see the other three members of the silver eyed girl's team, red faced with embarrassment, as Yang quickly reached around Blake's bunk and pulled out a ball of yarn. "Go get the yarn ball!" With a powerful toss, Yang hurled the yarn ball out of the dorm room, as Ruby just scoffed.

"Please Yang, I've grown up now. I'm not going to chase after that ball of yarn like before. I'm a different, more mature Ruby Rose now…" Ruby crossed her arms and made an attempt for what she had hoped looked like a mature, wise face. However, as the seconds passed Ruby's body jittered with excitement, energy having palpably built up in her until, finally- "YARN BALL!" With a burst of her semblance, Ruby ran out of the room and Weiss immediately closed the door behind her.

"Uh, was that needed?" Penny asked, genuinely confused, as Yang just nodded.

"Absolutely! No way I'm going to let Ruby's innocent ears be part of this conversation!" Yang resisted the urge to tear her hair out as she and the other members of the team walked over to Penny. "Penny, what the Hell are you thinking?"

"What do you mean Yang?" Penny asked, green eyes blinking away in confusion as the other three members of the team just groaned.

"What do you mean what does she mean? You can't go just saying that kind of stuff in front of polite company!" Weiss shouted as Penny just tilted her head to the side.

"What? I was just stating how Mikitaka offered to give me a ride on his rocket. I don't see how that could be considered impolite." Blake had been the first one to cool down after that, her eyes narrowing in slight suspicion.

"You're… serious? You don't get what he was actually angling for?" At Penny's confused expression, all three of them just gaped, mouths wide open, as they tilted their heads to the side.

"... Wow, I never thought I'd see the day where I'd meet someone as naive as Ruby." An excited call of 'YARN BALL' could be heard through the door and waaaay down the hall as Yang spoke, the blonde having rubbed the bridge of her nose as she sighed. "Alright, look, Penny… Mikitaka isn't trying to give you a ride on an actual rocket ship. He's not actually an alien."

"Then what else could he have possibly meant?" At this, Yang and Weiss blushed as they stammered for a proper response.

"He wants to have sex with you." Blake, however, just flat out stated it as she surreptitiously slipped her book back underneath her bed.

"What?" Penny asked, almost sounding amused, as she tilted her head to the side. "What about taking a ride on his rocket could've possibly given you that… oooooh. I see now. The rocket is a metaphor for his penis." Green eyes quirked curiously as she looked at the other three. "Why wouldn't he have just stated it plainly if that was the case though?"

"Penny, guys speak in metaphor when it comes to this stuff all the time. They're never upfront about it." Blake stated with slight annoyance as the door creaked open behind them.

"Yo Blake, you want a banana?" The black haired faunus sighed in annoyance as she and the others turned to the voice of Sun Wukong, ready to slap him upside the head. That is, until they noticed that Sun, indeed, had a bundle of bananas in his arms.

"Oh… well, thank you Sun, sure." With that, Blake plucked one of the fruit off from the bunch while Weiss just quirked an eyebrow.

"Sun, aren't you worried about confirming stereotypes by carrying that around?" Sun looked appalled as Weiss spoke, shaking his head as he clucked his tongue against the roof of his mouth.

"Tut tut, Weiss. I don't like bananas just because I'm a monkey faunus. They're an excellent source of protein that are easy to eat and delicious." With that, Sun procured one of the bananas from the bunch with his tail. "The fact that I'm a monkey faunus is only coincidental." With that, he sauntered on off. Yang had been about ready to make one of her jokes when her foot scrunched against something that sounded like paper. Bending down to pick up the slip of paper, Yang read over it quickly.

"'I want to molest Koichi'... this isn't even a pun! Who the Hell wrote this?" Unbeknownst to the other occupants of the room, a silent figure slowly snuck around, a few mute 'Ku ku ku's accompanying the gesture.

"Point is, he's probably just a little… completely socially inept." Weiss finished her sentence with a shake of her head. "He probably doesn't have the confidence to say it in the first place." Penny nodded.

"It'd be impossible anyway." The android commented as the three girls nodded in ready agreement.

"Yeah, you two only met, what, today? This isn't exactly appropriate conversation this early in a friendship, much less a relationship." Blake commented as Penny just blinked.

"Oh, is that so? I'm not familiar with meat person relationships myself. I was more commenting that the act of mating with another person is physically impossible for me. I don't have the parts for it." With that, the three members of Team RWBY just stared disbelievingly at Penny.

"Okay, maybe you're a better match for Mikitaka than we thought if you're going to try passing yourself off as some kind of-" At that moment, Penny quickly readjusted some of her clothes, which promptly caused Weiss, Blake and Yang to freak out, -"HOLY FUCK YOU'RE BUILT LIKE A DOLL!" Penny put her clothes back in order as she nodded.

"Indeed. Even if I may have been inclined to respond positively to Mikitaka, I wouldn't have the necessary components. Furthermore, this is rather… embarrassing. I think I may have given Mikitaka the wrong idea about all this in my ignorance."

"What do you mean?" Yang asked, tilting her head to the side, as Penny grimaced.

"After we discussed the probing and rocket, I asked Mikitaka if his rocket would be big enough for all of this, to which he responded that it was more than big enough for it all. I was quite ecstatic at the time..."

"Yeah that's what all guys say…" Blake muttered slightly as Weiss and Yang blushed with embarrassment.

"I need to tell Mikitaka the truth. That this was a misunderstanding. I do not want to lose a friend over something like this."

"Even if he's a complete weirdo?" Weiss asked, tilting her head, as Penny just shrugged.

"Oh come now Weiss, Mikitaka isn't that weird."

"... Of course you wouldn't think he is." Weiss muttered as she palmed her face in her hands. "Anyway. I suppose we can't just leave you alone with this just in case he does anything… untoward in response." With that, Penny smiled widely.

"I knew that you also considered me a friend!"

"Don't push it…"

* * *

"Ah Penny, there you are. I am glad that you came." The slightly stilted way Mikitaka spoke echoed out as he arrived at the pre-planned meeting spot with Penny, the platinum blond approaching slowly as Penny stood nearby, slightly anxious as Weiss, Blake and Yang watched from a nearby bush.

"Sal-u-tations Mikitaka." The greeting had a little bit less oomph to it this time, immediately noticeable to everyone as Penny just sighed softly. "Mikitaka, can we talk? There is something I need to tell you as a friend and… no, not a fellow meat person. Just a friend." The professed alien stared for a moment as he tilted his head to the side in clear confusion. "You see Mikitaka… I know you're interested in those activities we spoke about before but… I cannot go through with them. I am not a meat person. I'm a machine."

Mikitaka just stared for a moment, his mind clearly a whir before he tilted his head. "I thought it was odd that in our entire time spent together you didn't eat, drink or relieve yourself. I suppose that answers that curiosity." Penny nodded as the three members of Team RWBY barely contained their sputtering from the bush.

"Indeed. I know that you had been excited about tonight's activities, and I do sincerely apologize for perhaps having given you the wrong impression. I am not fully versed in meat person speech and metaphors myself. I'm sorry, but I am physically unable to partake in these activities. I hope that we can still continue to be friends."

There was a long moment of silence as Mikitaka seemed to stand perfectly still and think this over. After a moment, the professed alien just nodded. "Of course. I am sorry to hear that, but I would also still like to be friends with you, Penny." Penny smiled nice and bright as Mikitaka spoke in his stilted manner.

"Wonderful! I am very glad to hear you say that Mikitaka." Penny nodded vigorously, before she looked off to the side with her green eyes. "You know… I am not physically able to partake in meat person relations Mikitaka. And I am told that it is early in our friendship to discuss this. But perhaps if we continue to find enjoyment in each other's company, we could partake in a purely mental relationship. Would that sound appealing to you, Mikitaka?" Penny asked, head quirked slightly as Mikitaka blinked a few times.

"No." The response was flat and quick, which caused Penny to droop slightly.

"I see… it is because I am a robot, yes?"

"Indeed. I'm afraid my people are quite advanced in robotics, so experimenting with you in such a way would not provide any new data or information to us. I require a human subject." Penny frowned slightly as Mikitaka spoke, before she nodded in understanding.

"Oh, these are more of those meat person metaphors Weiss and the others were speaking of, correct?" Penny asked as she tilted her head to the side, a gesture that Mikitaka mirrored almost perfectly.

"Metaphors?"

At that moment, four sets of jaws nearly fell onto the floor as an alien craft flew on by, hovering over Mikitaka as a beam of light shined down onto him.

"I'll see you later Penny" With that, Mikitaka disappeared in the blink of an eye as his ship flew off. Weiss, Blake and Yang stumbled out of the bush that they had been hiding in as they all gawked up to the sky right along with Penny.

"... Well holy shit, he was an alien." Yang muttered as the rest of the group nodded.

"Penny, I think you need to be more selective with who you make friends with from now on. You found yourself a… really weird one there." Blake offered as Penny just nodded.

"Indeed, I shall attempt to do so in the future. I shall attempt to find friends more like the normal girl that I came across before I arrived at your dorm room earlier." Penny smiled as Weiss turned her head towards the android slowly, a very cautious look on her face.

"Oh? Your new friend's name?" She asked, slowly and cautiously, as Penny just grinned.

"Oh don't worry Weiss, I know for sure she's a meat thing and a perfectly normal one at that. Her name is Foo Fighters."

So remember kids; we're all still secretly thirteen years old no matter how grown up we think we are. I know I still am, or at least, that's the only excuse I have for writing this particular short.

 _ **Fin**_

* * *

 **And there we go, another short down and another nice little break for good old gorilla_fingers. Yeah, I basically wrote this one because the idea of Ruby Rose screaming 'I wanna ride on his rocket' in that squeaky voice of hers just tickled me to no end. Underneath all the sophistication and the Author's Notes about writing techniques and ideals, I really am a fucking thirteen year old laughing at dick metaphors. It's funny and sad at the same time.**


	5. Jotaro's Adventures In Stopped Time

It was early in the morning at Beacon Academy. All was quiet and the students wouldn't be up for a good few hours yet. The birds chirped, the morning dew glistened in the rays of the sun as that heavenly orb slowly but surely raised itself over the horizon. It was truly a peaceful time on the otherwise active and chaotic campus.

All except for the staff's lounge where a miniature battle royale had broken out between the various staff at Beacon Academy. The teachers fought and fought bitterly, fought dirty, as they tried to compete against one and other, semblances and weapons flying as each member's of Beacon's staff attempted to handicap or otherwise completely remove other members of the staff from the office.

The simple reason for this was one; a machine on the counter that slowly but surely went to work, making something that all the teachers craved and delighted in.

A Mr. Coffee.

For you see, there was one thing that the teachers at Beacon treasured above everything else in their lives; more than their own families, more than their own jobs and more than the lives of the students they had under their charge. Each and every single member of the staff would gladly sacrifice all that and more for one thing; the first cup of morning coffee.

It might seem like a trite thing, however, long had been the tradition at Beacon Academy surrounding this particular Mr. Coffee. For every staff member at Beacon knew that the first cup of coffee that was poured from this particular Mr. Coffee's brew… there was something magical about it. As if the combination of the ground that Beacon stood on, the beans that were grown and imported into this place and the very rays of the life-giving sun imbued this particular coffee maker with some kind of heavenly property.

It didn't matter if you hated coffee. It didn't matter if you despised the taste of it and couldn't stand for it. It didn't even matter if you'd never drank a cup of coffee before in your life and, therefore, had no frame of reference.

Upon drinking the first cup of coffee out of this Mr. Coffee's brew, you'd know that it was the best damn cup of coffee you'd ever drank in your entire life, and would ever drink save for further first morning cups out of this particular machine.

It was enough to make Glynda Goodwitch cry for joy, to make Doctor Oobleck stop and TAKE HIS TIME to appreciate this cup of coffee, to make Port go quiet as he silently enjoyed the magnificent taste and enough for Ozpin, Headmaster Ozpin, to actually indulge in telling people what the fuck he was thinking and what his plans actually were.

It broke people, reshaped them into more perfect versions of themselves for but a brief moment and then left, only to return the next morning. And every single member of Beacon's staff was only not prepared to kill each other for it because while the coffee was worth much to them, few found it in themselves to want to go to jail for it.

But the temptation was there.

The brawl stopped when everyone heard the signal. The small 'ding' that informed them that their treasure had arrived. Every single staff member's head snapped over to the Mr. Coffee and, all at once, they made a break for it. The race was swift, it was brutal and several people would need to go to Professor Peach's infirmary in order to have their wounds sewn up, but eventually one winner did stand out. One winner walked up to the Mr. Coffee and grinned in victory.

Ozpin took his place as primarch of Beacon, the man number one, and produced his cup.

"Apologies everyone, but it appears as though I've won this morning… and this time there were no shenanigans." The grey haired headmaster declared with a large smile as everyone else just fell into a normal, orderly line. Ozpin brought the cup to his lips and took a loving sniff of the coffee inside… a troubled expression crossed his face as he did so. Ozpin quickly took a sip of the coffee and the troubled expression turned into one of pain and misery as tears streamed down his face.

"No…. No. No! NOOOOOOOOO!" With that Ozpin destroyed the table the Mr. Coffee sat on with his cane, several teachers having immediately ran up to save the holy relic as Ozpin threw his glass against the wall. "It's happened again! That wasn't the first cup of coffee! It was a normal cup! Just like the past several weeks!"

Indeed, this had been a horrible fate that the school of Beacon had been met with for several weeks now. Starting sometime after the new semester, no matter who managed to win out first place in the coffee brawl, no one who actually walked up for the first cup of coffee actually felt the sensation or was able to cherish the taste of this Mr. Coffee's first cup of morning coffee.

"Everyone, get me another cup of coffee so that I can check Mr. Radar! It had to capture the culprit, it had to!"

This problem had been considered such a tremendous strain on Beacon's Staff that Ozpin had readily sanctioned the purchase and installation of a full Mr. Radar device right in the Teacher's Lounge so that they might somehow see this culprit coming. The large terminal with a radar dish set on top of it stood just off to the side of Mr. Coffee as Ozpin and the other teachers immediately approached it, Oobleck having poured Ozpin a fresh cup of coffee as the Headmaster of Beacon watched the screen's results with laser-like focus.

…

"Nothing… Mr. Radar didn't pick up anything! Nothing at all! There was just us in the room next to the Mr. Coffee fighting over it! But that's impossible! The Mr. Coffee definitely had its first cup poured out of it! There's no way that Mr. Radar could've missed it! Just no way! Who is the culprit and how do they keep doing this without us noticing?!"

 **SLUUUUURP!**

Immediately all sounds of panic and argument died down amongst the Beacon Staff as they all snapped their heads over to the corner of the room; sat there, pretty as a picture, was one Kujo Jotaro. In his left hand was a morning newspaper which he perused with some varying amount of interest while in his right was a… fresh cup of coffee. Nearly finished while everyone else was in a panic or arguing. Everyone's gazes narrowed as they looked over to Jotaro, Ozpin having coughed into his fist to get the giant of a man's attention.

"Mr. Kujo… where exactly did you get that cup of coffee?" Kujo Jotaro just stared back as Ozpin asked this, his eyes narrow and focused in on the rest of Beacon's staff as they tried to meet his gaze. Try as they might though, the sheer laser-like focus of Jotaro's gaze was slowly but surely tearing the Staff of Beacon's resolve to shred. Women blushed and looked away, muttering softly about his eyes, men slowly but surely began to swear as they feared the beatdown that his gaze implied would be theirs if they kept staring and even the most powerful and respected huntsmen and women among Beacon's Staff found themselves shrinking back from the Joestar's intense look.

"I got it from down the hall and decided to have my morning cup of coffee and paper here with the rest of you. Got a problem with that?"

Several actually. For one, Kujo Jotaro was a notably anti-social man who, very likely, would've just preferred to be alone if he did get his cup of coffee from somewhere less active. Second, no one had actually heard Jotaro walk in which shouldn't have been too difficult considering all the fights that had broken out right next to the door; someone would've been bound to see or hear him come in.

Third was the fact that this Mr. Coffee was the only one in the entire building.

…

"No problem Mr. Kujo, just thought we'd ask." Jotaro nodded in understanding as the rest of the staff at Beacon folded under the pressure of his gaze, Jotaro returning to his morning paper as he finished his cup of coffee.

Jotaro was just too scary.

Still, this did leave all of Beacon's Staff wandering…

Just how the Hell had he managed to get the first cup of coffee without any of them or Mr. Radar noticing?

 **Jotaro's Adventures In Stopped Time**

Jotaro checked his watch as he walked on over towards the Teacher's Lounge, a slight urgency to his steps as he approached. He was cutting it close today but if he kept up this pace he'd still make it just in time. With a flourish of his white jacket Jotaro stepped right outside the Teacher's Lounge and waited patiently for his signal to go, waited patiently for his chance.

When he heard the ring of the Mr. Coffee, he knew it was his time.

" **[Star Platinum: The World]**!"

With only a slight bit of focus Jotaro was able to slip quickly into his realm of Stopped Time and, now with no urgency in his step, opened the door. All the teachers stared at Mr. Coffee, the various members of the staff looking greedily at the machine as the last phase of their race for the first morning cup was about to take off.

A shame that Jotaro would beat them as he had for the past several weeks.

The first time he'd used his Stand to stop time was just out of curiosity; he watched as the teachers practically tore themselves apart over this one cup of coffee and, for the first couple days, just shook his head in disbelief at their amazing lack of professionalism. However, eventually curiosity overtook Jotaro and, one day, he just decided to say 'screw it' and cheat. He certainly wasn't going to join in the brawl for a stupid cup of coffee after all.

Jotaro shook his head at his own past self's naivety. How foolish and short-sighted he'd been. Of course this cup of coffee was worth a brawl, he realized that now. But what he also realized and quite readily was that he didn't 'need' to fight for this cup of coffee. He didn't 'need' to get into a brawl to get it. No, with his Stand, Jotaro could get this cup of coffee with no effort at all…

The very fact of that made the cup of coffee taste all the better when he did finally sit down with his morning paper.

Jotaro took a long, long drink of the cup of coffee and, for a moment, it seemed as though nothing changed. Jotaro smacked his lips a couple times as he let loose a sigh of relief and relaxation, leaning back into his chair as he popped open his newspaper. Nothing about him had changed to the casual viewer… but someone who knew Jotaro on a deeply personal level immediately saw what was wrong. Immediately saw what stood out. Immediately saw what was wrong.

As Jotaro casually sat there, his usual expression was gone.

Replaced by a smile.

Kujo Jotaro, while sitting down and doing nothing but reading his morning paper, was smiling. As if he hadn't a care in the world. As if all the hardships of these past twelve years; The Stardust Crusade, being made ready to take over for his grandfather as Leader of Morioh, his initial awkward relationship with his wife and now all this business in Vale hadn't affected him in the slightest. He looked over and saw the phantom images of his friends, Kakyoin, Avdol and Iggy, figures who he normally dreaded to see or be reminded of as guilt would threaten to overtake him…

Yet here and now, he met these three with a genuine smile and a raised glass as they all, in turn, gave him thumbs up. Yes, even Iggy, the dog with no opposable thumbs, gave him a thumbs up. Jotaro thought about surprising his wife by getting her some jewelry when he went out that day for his other business, thought about finding Josuke and just giving that kid a hug to remind him that Jotaro and others considered him a Joestar even if he didn't. Thought about just telling everyone he considered close to him how much he really did care about them, even if he affected a disinterested personality almost all the time.

Eventually, the buzz of the first cup of coffee passed and Jotaro just sighed, sad to feel it leave but glad to be of his own mind again. He'd feel that buzz again tomorrow, after all. Before he got too lost in his thoughts Jotaro just raised his cup of coffee up to his lips as he glanced over at the rest of the staff.

"Time resumes."

* * *

Later That Very Same Day

Outside of Kujo Jotaro's last class for the day, the various members of Team RWBY and JNPR stood outside of the man's classroom. Blake having accidentally let slip Jotaro's skill as a good psychiatrist and counselor, the various troubled teens sought out the giant, emotionally distant man's words of wisdom.

"I really don't understand why you all are going to Jotaro. I mean, we could just go to some of the other adults who seem a little more personable, you know?" Jaune asked, his hand on his hip, as the others just blinked over at him.

"Name one other time anyone at Beacon's actually given us some good advice Jaune."

"... Okay fair enough. Big brooding guy who obviously doesn't do the whole socializing thing much it is… wow how is this guy the only teacher who's actively reached out to any of us?"

"Yeah seriously, I was sleep deprived for weeks and nobody noticed." Blake said with a slight shake of her head.

"I pretty much had to get up to Port's face for him to give me any kind of advice on my bad relationship with Ruby… and his advice was pretty much just 'Trust Ozpin'." Everyone nodded with Weiss.

"I fucking busted down a bar before initiation and I wasn't even reprimanded." Everyone nodded again, though this time towards Yang.

"I mean, Ozpin gives some good advice sometimes." Ruby interjected with a raised hand, although the young woman's excitement gave way as she glanced down to the side somewhat awkwardly. "It's just… you know, mostly clouded in vague sentences and metaphors. He never really gives much upfront advice.

* * *

"You know… that's a good question. It reminds me in a distant way of how, whether we add things to our lives or let them fall to the wayside, that we need to remember that it is life itself that is worth our protection. The things in it, what people might do with it, the changes it goes through, even if it makes it utterly unrecognizable… those things don't matter as much. What matters is life itself, in its base form. And in a way, isn't maintaining that our job? Isn't that what we, as hunters, should be here for?"

"... So you want to take your coffee black Oz? I-Is that what you're telling me?" Ironwood asked, annoyed, as Ozpin tapped his chin.

"You know, this reminds me…"

"OZPIN!"

* * *

The gang was driven out of their thoughts as the school bell rang and numerous students poured out of Jotaro's class, each eager for the end of the day and ready and willing to get the hell out of class so that they could take their advantage of free time.

"Okay, so, we did rock paper scissors for this to determine the order; I get to go first to tell him my big discovery, then Weiss gets to go to talk about her family issues-"

"It's really getting out of hand… I think my dad might actually be straight up evil."

"Yang can ask him how to kick more ass."

"You know it!"

"Blake can ask for more cigarettes."

"... I honestly don't know how I didn't see this coming."

"And Jaune can ask for… dating advice." Everyone turned to look over at Jaune who just shrugged.

"Hey I'm running out of options for good advice here! You tell me who else I could ask at this point?!" Everyone stopped to think about it before shrugging in agreement. Yeah, even if Jotaro seemed like the worst possible option to ask for advice on this stuff, he really was Jaune's only remaining one anyway. So all of them waited patiently for Jotaro to come out… only to blanch when he never did. Everyone leaned over to peek inside the classroom, only to find it completely barren, with no sign of Jotaro.

"Huh, he must've went back into his office to work." Everyone nodded as Ruby turned back toward the group. "We can't interrupt him while he's working, so let's talk to him later." Everyone nodded in agreement as they all walked off.

"So what was the important thing you wanted to tell Jotaro anyway, Ruby?"

"Well I think Cinder might be evil."

"What? That's ridiculous!"

"I know, I know. I just figured I'd ask Jotaro what he thought. But you guys are probably right, it'd probably be better to not bug him with this."

* * *

A Few Seconds Earlier

The second that Jotaro heard the bell ring, the absolute nanosecond that Jotaro heard the end of class, he stopped time. The experienced huntsman immediately gathered up his things and made a break for the door; he had important business today that he wasn't going to fall through on. As he passed through his classroom's threshold, he saw the gathered friends of Josuke, for the most part, standing outside of his door. Presumably waiting for him.

" **Yare yare daze**. I really don't have time for this right now. I have to get moving. Maybe next time." With that Jotaro continued to rush out of the building. Today was too important and he'd already had to put this off for weeks at a time several times now. He wasn't going to fall through again. Today he was actually going to see this through. Today, he'd actually get this done. He had to.

He needed to.

* * *

The City of Vale, Merchant District

Jotaro's eyes peered into the window of the shop as he gazed long and hard at the treasure he sought. It had been weeks and weeks nearly months, of hard effort but finally, FINALLY, it seemed as though his hard work was about to pay off. They'd run out over and over and over again and week after week he'd return, hoping beyond hope that he'd make it this time so that he could grab one before they ran out again.

And now here he stood, looking at one of the very treasures he sought, sitting pretty as a picture on a display rack.

A stuffed dolphin.

His daughter asked for a fucking dolphin and, Brothers will it or not, Jotaro was going to enable the shit out of an interest in the ocean. Sure, he might've wished that she was a bit more interested in starfish, his personal favorite sea creature, but he'd take dolphins.

With a firm nod Jotaro walked into the toy store… not noticing how the stuffed dolphin on the display rack was taken off by the shop owner. Thus it came as a surprise to Jotaro when he saw some random kid getting one of the very stuffed toys he sought after. With clenched teeth Jotaro walked up to the store owner and, slamming his Lien card on the table, quickly got his attention.

"I'd like to buy one of those stuffed dolphins please. I'm in a hurry." The shop owner seemed completely and utterly intimidated by Jotaro, if his sudden clamminess and nervous disposition was any indication. The man swallowed a lump in his throat that formed as he slowly pointed over to the kid he had just sold the dolphin on the display rack to.

"I-I'm afraid that was our last one sir. If you want to buy one, you can come in next week when we'll be restocked."

The rim of Jotaro's hat cast shadows over his eyes as he picked up the Lien card and tucked it into his jacket pocket… yes. Yes he could come back next week. Like he had for all the previous weeks. Jolyne could wait a little bit longer. After all, it was just a doll… of a dolphin. That his daughter wanted. Another week wouldn't hurt…

…

"Oi, kid." The boy who had just bought the doll stopped, looking to be a couple years older than Jolyne, as Jotaro walked over to him, a serious expression on his face. "Listen, I've been trying to buy one of those for my daughter for the past several weeks now but… well, my hours being what they are, I never arrive before they're sold out. I'll give you what you paid for and extra if you let me have that doll."

The kid looked up at Jotaro with a discerning eye as he narrowed his gaze, a slightly gap-toothed expression on his face as he tilted his head to the side.

"Look mister, buzz off. I bought this with my allowance and i've been waiting for weeks for it too. I really don't give a rat's ass whether some stupid girl wants this. It's mine and you're not gonna get it."

"First off, watch your Goddamn mouth kid." Jotaro fired back, the irony of the situation lost on him as he looked down at him. "Secondly, JoJo-"

"JoJo? Is that your kid's name? Man that sounds stupid! Why would you call her something so ridiculous? You trying to get her bullied?" Jotaro ground his teeth together as the kid leaned forward, his stupid grin stretching across his face as he looked up to Jotaro. "Well I'll tell you what; JoJo can go ahead and suck eggs! AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"

And with that, time was frozen.

Now, Jotaro was of two minds. On the one hand, he could definitely wait another week. He had money and these dolls couldn't be so popular that they'd keep getting sold out forever. He'd eventually grab one and be able to send it home to Jolyne. She might be sad that it was taking so long, but when she'd finally get one she'd be ecstatic. There was no point in causing trouble here… not even over a little shithead kid who said that his daughter could suck eggs.

There was no problem with acting like an adult and just letting this go…

Oooooooooooooor...

Jotaro reared a fist back and punched the kid square in the face, his nose exploding in a shower of blood that splattered somewhat on the dolphin doll before eventually freezing in Stopped Time. Jotaro may not have had Aura, but neither did this kid, so his punches still put in work.

"I fucking hate kids…" Jotaro muttered to himself as he grabbed the floating dolphin and immediately made a break for it. He really didn't want to stick around for when time would resume.

And, after a while, time did resume.

"WAAAAAAAAH! MOM!"

"OH MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED?!"

* * *

The Frontier, Morioh, A Week Later

"MOM! MOM! MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM, MOMMOMMOMMMOMMOM! DAD SENT BACK A PACKAGE! COME ON, WE NEED TO OPEN IT!"

"JoJo, calm down, there's no need to rush. The package isn't going to sprout wings and fly off." Sienna Kujo sighed somewhat exhaustingly as she smiled at her little girl, leaning down to pick the package out of Jolyne's hands and setting it on a table. Coming some strands of her reddish-brown hair behind her ear, Sienna quickly summoned forth her Stand and had the manifestation of her soul cut the package open. Upon opening it, Jolyne and Sienna peeked inside and, without even a moment's hesitation, Jolyne practically tore little stuffed doll inside the box out.

"OH MY GOOOOOD!" In a pantomime of her great grandfather Jolyne squealed in excitement. "Dad did it! He got the dolphin!" Sienna smiled as she reached into the box, pulling out a letter that detailed the lengths that Jotaro had went to get the doll. At first, Sienna smiled softly at what had to been a nightmare of weekly trips out into a humongous city but, as she read the letter, her eyes started to go a bit wide as her smile became slightly forced.

"Hey mom? What are these little splotches on the doll? Why do they smell all metally?"

'Oh my God… Jotaro… you didn't. You didn't actually… of course you did.' While Sienna was distracted, Jolyne quickly snuck up and tugged the paper out of her mother's hands and quickly set to reading it.

"Jolyne no!"

"Dear Family… spent weeks trying to get this… bratty kid… punched him in the face so hard during Stopped Time that his nose bled on the doll. Sorry. Signed, Jotaro." Jolyne's voice died out towards the end of it as she stared with a slightly deadened expression at the doll, realizing what those splotches that had splashed across it had been.

"JoJo… it's okay. We can get it cleaned up. It'll be good as new. Please, don't think-"

"MY DAD IS THE COOLEST IN THE UNIVERSE!" Sienna actually stumbled back slightly as Jolyne cried out, shaking the doll in her arms. "HE BEAT UP SOMEONE TO GET ME THIS! I'M GONNA TELL MY FRIENDS!"

'Oh… oh Jotaro… you are just the worst influence.'

So remember kids; life is a lot easier to win if you have a bullshit Stand Power or some kind of other advantage. If you don't have that, well then you might as well not even bother trying.

What? What do you mean that's bad for the kids to hear?

 _ **Fin**_

* * *

 **So yeah, I was getting tired of just calling Mrs. Kujo 'Jolyne's mom' or Mrs. Kujo that entire time so I finally just sat down and tried to figure out what to name her. She's Italian-American in canon JoJo's Bizarre Adventure and the general consensus seems to be that she's got reddish-brown hair, so yeah, Sienna. Terribly creative? No, but it really doesn't have to be considering how little she's actually in the series.**

 **Also originally there were going to be more feels but A. I really don't want any of these shorts to start going over 5,000 words, these are meant to be a break for me after all and, B., I feel like feels would disrupt the overall tone we'd set up.**

 **Also, this wasn't the full extent of ideas I had for Jotaro fucking about with Stopped Time, but I couldn't quite stitch the others into a semblance of a story… yet. So hey, maybe sometime down the road we'll get "Jotaro's Adventures In Stopped Time 2: Electric Boogaloo".**

 **So yeah, see you guys on the 13th for the next full update to RBA.**


	6. Hirose Koichi's Life Is Suffering

"Hahahahahaha~"

The joyous sound of laughter could be heard, or implied from the mouth movements of the second person, coming from a young couple walking down the road. T'was a bright and sunshiny day in Vale indeed! Birds were chirping, flowers were blooming and it was that time of day where the sun was still out but it was getting sufficiently late so that the air was cooling down so you had the best of both natural sunlight and cool air. You know the kind I'm talking about.

At any rate, this was the sort of day that one Hirose Koichi and Neopolitan were experiencing while out on the town. The sort-of-but-not-really-if-you-were-to-ask-them-its-complicated couple were enjoying a small outing full of wonder and mischief. For once, Hirose Koichi's life was not one of pure suffering under the repeated roundhouse kicks of odd strangers either turning him into paper, kidnapping him, turning his face into newsprint to be read and ripped out at their leisure, getting kidnapped while being turned into paper or being assaulted by a serial murderer. Today was just all about enjoying some time with Neopolitan and not having to worry about anything.

Save for the fact that she was secretly on the enemy team and that, one way or another, this entire affair was set to end in tragedy as one or both of them were forced to fight the other to the death, but ignorance is bliss for Koichi, at least for now.

Meanwhile Neopolitan was just enjoying a day away from Cinder and her cronies, so it was a win for both! Yessir, for once in Koichi's life suffering under some weirdness or from crazy women wasn't immediately on the plate. He was just allowed to have a normal, average day with a crazy woman.

At least, that had been on the agenda so far. For you see, unbeknownst to the pair a set of eyes were on them, narrowed in frustration towards Neopolitan but loving and doting as they set themselves on Koichi. A pair of deep, purple eyes that regular rounded off the emotional spectrum from burning, hate-filled fury to endless, deep romantic love. Eyes that belonged to an exceptionally tall young woman with long, black hair wearing a green school uniform.

"Ooooh~... my darling Koichi. I don't understand how you could fall for such an obvious hussy. Can't you see she's not right for you, dear? Can you not see that she has only ill will for you… don't you know what you're doing to me… don't you care that you're breaking my heart, you little piss pants! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT DIMENSION YOU'RE IN, THAT YOUR HEART BELONGS TO ME!"

Surrounding civilians all watched in horrified fascination as Yamagishi Yukako destroyed several of the potted plants she was hiding behind with her hair, the Stand Love Deluxe making short work of the potted plants as several onlookers ran off screaming. Fortunately for Yukako, Koichi and Neopolitan had long since wandered off, not hearing or seeing her little display as she took several, deep breaths to calm down.

"Yes… I knew something was wrong. I felt it in a moment; the stab to my heart, the horrific pain in my chest. The sting of betrayal… not from my dear Koichi, no, but from another… another who's allowed a whore to corrupt him and turn him away from me. A bitch who's trying to take the love of my life away from me!" Once more Love Deluxe slammed into some nearby scenery, tearing it down and causing more civilians to run before a love-sick smile forms on Yukako's face.

"But it doesn't matter though. No matter where he is, even if it's across lines and boundaries of reality, Koichi is still Koichi… he is 'my' Koichi. All I have to do is remind him of the fact that he belongs to me, that his heart and soul are intertwined with my own no matter how far the distance between us… and he'll be mine again. And then he can watch as I tear this little bitch limb from limb for even thinking that she had the right to date my beloved!

"Koichi will see then… he'll see that there's no one out there for him quite like me. No one who can protect him quite like I can… no one who owns him like I do. We'll be together, in all-iterations, forever… me and every Koichi everywhere… starting with this one." With that, Yukako flung her hair back as she walked off after Neopolitan and Koichi, leaving behind a rather busted up and chaotic scene.

As Yukako departed, Cinder, Mercury and Emerald made their way onto the scene, the trio looking at the devastation and destruction. The sight caused Cinder to smile, which in turn made Mercury and Emerald arch their eyebrows.

"Cinder, you do this?" Mercury asked, curious, as Cinder just shook her head.

"No, but I can always stop to appreciate quality evil when I see it." Before they could think to move on, Team RWBY rapidly arrived on the scene.

"NOBODY MOVE! We've been told about a crazy evil woman with long black hair who's been terrorizing… GASP, CINDER!?"

"... What?" Cinder asked, her eyes going around to the carnage around her before her golden eyes went wide with horror. "Wait, no no no no no no no! T-This wasn't me this time!"

"I can't believe it! You've been evil this whole time?! I'm shocked, SHOCKED! Can you believe it guys?" Ruby asked her fellow teammates who all just looked on at the scene in a relatively nonplussed manner.

"... Honestly, yeah, I can."

"Eh I'm not that surprised."

"Kind of obvious when you really stop to think about it."

"Come on guys, I'm your leader, support me on this!" Before Team RWBY could continue on their little sideshow, Ruby turned to Cinder and immediately cuffed her. "At any rate, you're coming with us Cinder! Let's get her to Beacon girls!"

"Err… hello? Little help over here?!" Cinder Fall called over to her minions as she was dragged away, Emerald and Mercury just watching in almost fascinated awe at the scene.

"... Wow, the one time she actually didn't do anything."

"Think that's what they call irony Emerald."

" _ **Hirose Koichi's Life Is Suffering"**_

"Say, Neo, are you sure we should just be eating this much ice cream? I mean, it's good and all, but it seems just a bit… I dunno, irresponsible."

Oh, that was her dear Koichi in a nutshell. A fine young man with a bright future ahead of him; always so smart and caring and attentive to not only what's best for him but for others. That was why Yukako loved him, why she would do anything for him… why no one else but her could have him.

After all, the reason why was plain to see; because even as Koichi voiced this perfectly reasonable point about how bad it was to consume so much ice cream in one day, how it was bad for them and represented a childish, irresponsible and downright grossly negligent impact on your own body's health, what was the response of the black-haired bitch toying with her love, her boyfriend, her heart and soul? What could the pint-sized little fucking dwarf respond to such apt, such intelligent and such remarkable foresight with?

She shrugged! She fucking shrugged, rolled her eyes, and kept eating ice cream! That wasn't even the worst part. The worst part, the absolute worst part, was when Koichi actually responded to her! As if she'd spoken aloud like a real person! As if they had some kind of connection worth something!

"Hmm, I suppose you're right. Couldn't hurt to do this every now and then." Koichi just took another bite of ice cream as that whore nodded in approval. "Besides, this is actually the first time I've actually really had this. Thanks for treating me."

… That sly bitch! She thought she could buy her way into Koichi's heart by treating him? By giving him ice cream?!

"STOP RIGHT THERE YOU MIDGET!" Koichi and Neopolitan both paused mid bite as they heard this, Koichi's blue eyes wide with surprise and Neopolitan's narrowed as they each slowly turned their head. Koichi pointed to himself curiously while Neopolitan pointed to herself with a quite dangerous look on her face as they both spied Yukako as she slid out from behind a corner. "Oh no Koichi, my darling~ I wasn't talking to you! You're perfectly sized dear… I was talking to the skank with the ribbons."

Neopolitan's green eyes narrowed again as she clucked her tongue against the roof of her mouth. Well, alright then. She hadn't planned on beating the shit out of somebody today. At least not until she was on Roman's time. On her time, she just wanted to enjoy a day out. But if this giant bitch was gonna pick a fight then Neopolitan was all too happy to oblige. She dropped her spoon into her empty ice cream dish and slowly stood up, cracking her knuckles as she did so. As Koichi watched this scene slowly start, he stood up himself and placed a hand on Neopolitan's shoulders.

"Wait, wait, wait, wait! Today's supposed to be a break from the crazy for both of us! Let's not just beat the ever loving crap out of her because she's being a jerk! Let's just see if we can talk this down and maybe get on with our day, okay?" Neopolitan turned to look at Koichi with a raised eyebrow. Ordinarily she wouldn't consider taking shit from anyone for any reason, save for it endangering Roman if she tried anything… but she sighed. This 'was' supposed to be a nice relaxing date…

And it was nice that Koichi hadn't even second guessed that she would be the one to beat the shit out of this too-tall bitch. It was a nice stroke of the ego that Neopolitan was very much a fan of. So with a bit of a huff she nodded in agreement, which only caused that giant bitch to chuckle dreamily.

"Ah, that's my darling Koichi~ Always one to put good sense and kindness ahead of rash brutality and unthinking, base idiocy." Neopolitan glared at her again as she kept speaking though, once again, Koichi's hand on her shoulder kept her held back.

"Okay, seriously, who are you and why are you trying to pick a fight?" With that Yukako just laughed as she waved her hair back over her shoulder.

"Why my darling Koichi, I'm your soulmate Yamagishi Yukako… and I'm trying to pick a fight with this ugly, violently little dwarf because she's trying to steal you from me, Koichi. No matter where you are in this world or where you are in the multiple universes that make up existence, you're mine… and I'm here to put a period on that point." Yukako stepped forward with a stomp of her foot, both Neopolitan and Koichi blinking in surprise as she did so.

"... Neo, if I ever say that you act weird, remind of this moment and I'll take it right back." Neopolitan nodded, the mute girl pointing back at Koichi as a way to quickly communicate 'ditto' as they watched the crazy Yandere approach them. Sure, Neopolitan stalked Koichi around Beacon… but to claim to be stalking him from around the world and, more insane, multiple universes? That was crazy even by the high bar that had been set by what Neopolitan had witnessed in her life.

"You see, dearest Koichi?! Even now she poisons your mind against me! I'll need to… correct this at a later time. For now, stomping out this little bitch shall have to suffice." At that Neopolitan had finally had enough; despite Koichi trying to keep things calm Neopolitan stepped forward, now rolling out her neck as she approached Yukako. "I'm going to enjoy this; I know not what foul intentions you had in attempting to steal my beloved, but they end here and now!" At that, Neopolitan stopped dead in her tracks. A thought seemed to run across her face before a mischievous smile graced her features.

Said smile turned into a slightly airy look as she tilted her head to the side, as if to ask 'Oh, you don't know what I intend'? Before Yukako could snipe at her for trying to mime nonsense to her, Neopolitan raised one hand, her index finger and thumb forming a circle.

"What? What are you…" Yukako's breath hitched as Neopolitan then brought up her other hand, only her index finger extended as that wicked grin returned to her face. "Don't you dare… you will not sully the innocence of my dear Koichi by implying such filthy, ugly, disgraceful-"

Yukako's words were cut off as Neopolitan immediately set to 'showing' what she'd intended to do with Koichi.

"YOU WHORE!" With that, Love Deluxe was unleashed as it reached out for Neopolitan, the diminutive assassin grinning wildly as she too jumped into the fray, ready to beat the shit out of this crazy-ass dimensional stalker.

Koichi, meanwhile, just stared off from the side. Mind thoroughly numb as he just shook his head at the events he was watching. After a few moments, Team JNPR, Josuke and Okuyasu showed up, the group of teens watching the mayhem go in with raised eyebrows.

"Yo, Koichi… what's going on man?" Jaune asked, sounding slightly concerned, as Love Deluxe did its best to impale Neopolitan using the round end of a lamp post, which the diminutive assassin could only silently laugh off.

"... My crazy stalker from another dimension is trying to kill my current ex-stalker turned kind of sort of girlfriend because she feels so possessive of me that she's bent the rules of time and space to get to me."

"... Wow dude, that fuckin' sucks." Okuyasu remarked, crossing his arms as he did so, while Koichi just shook his head.

"Yeah, yeah it really does…" Koichi whined as they all watched the scene. Josuke just tilted his side a bit, a thoughtful expression on his face.

"Well I mean… look on the bright side. It could be worse." To that, Koichi snapped his head over to his pompadoured leader, a wide, wild-eyed expression on his face.

"HOW COULD IT POSSIBLY GET WORSE THAN THIS?!"

* * *

In the Diamond Is Unbreakable/Future Diary Crossover Next Dimension Over

This was it, his life was over.

Hirose Koichi just watched as nearly a dozen strangers that he knew absolutely nothing about blipped out from view, their forms obscured such that he couldn't even tell who all but one of them were. All of whom were now set to kill him because the God of Time and Space decided to make a game out of his succession…

A game that involved cell phones and getting murdered by crazy people.

For his amusement.

"Why is this my life…" Koichi muttered quietly to himself as he slumped down onto the floor, tears threatening the corners of his eyes.

"Oh, don't you worry my beloved." His blood ran ice cold as soon as he heard that voice. Koichi slowly but surely turned his head around, his blue eyes wide with fear as he saw, seemingly from out of nowhere, someone standing just a few feet away from him. Someone all too familiar to him now after this long, chaotic, hectic and horrible day.

A girl with long pink hair done up into four pigtails; two in front adorned with little ribbons and two in back laid bare. She was dressed in his school's female uniform, a nice sky blue and… well, ordinarily, he'd think her exceedingly cute.

But not after what he'd seen today.

Not after what he was seeing now.

For at this moment, Yuno Gasai, her cheeks held in her hands as if to support her head, stared at him. Her head tilted at a slight angle as her eyes seemed to glow with horrific emotion; a mix of love and madness that Koichi had never seen before in his life and, now, never wanted to see again.

"I'll protect you, my beloved… no one will ever hurt you so long as you have me around…"

"Wow kid, sucks to be you." Muru Muru said from the side, eating a cob of corn.

"Tell me about it…" Koichi muttered quite pathetically as he placed his forehead back against the floor. Meanwhile, sat upon his throne was Deus Ex Machina, God of Time and Space and the purveyor of this Survivor Game. He watched the scene with rapt attention, stroking his long chin in thought, before he shrugged.

"Well I mean… look on the bright side. It could be worse." At that, Koichi looked to the God of this world, his eyes wide in disbelief as he shook his head wildly, utterly rejecting this notion.

"HOW COULD IT POSSIBLY GET WORSE THAN THIS?!"

"Well… I mean, there's the DiU/Berserk Crossover next dimension over. The Yandere over there is Griffith and… no… what you'd experience over there is even worse than what you could imagine." With that, Koichi looked over to Yuno, still holding her pose and expression, before he wound right back over towards Deus.

"There could be nothing worse than this! I don't even care if the Yandere's a guy, just get me out of here! Send me there, now!"

"... Alright kid. You asked for it." With that, Hirose Koichi disappeared in a puff of smoke and through a portal that moved through time and space.

* * *

The Diamond Is Unbreakable/Berserk Crossover

He was awoken by the side of rocking waves… Hirose Koichi slowly but surely forced himself to his feet, his head pounding as he forced himself up. He looked around and found himself… on the deck of a ship? Yeah. Deck of a ship in the middle of the ocean with no sign of any trouble. Hirose Koichi just laughs a bit, scratching at the back of his head with his metal left hand… okay, bit of a downer but hey, still better than what he expected.

He walked around and tried to find someone on deck and, finding a deckhand, he smiled.

"Hey, listen… uh, I forgot to ask this when we boarded. How long are we going to be on this boat anyway?"

The deckhand turned his head slowly, his eyes sunken in and his stare long and… just broken.

"Seven years…"

Immediately, Koichi's smile fell, his eyes going wide with fear as he shook his head.

"No… no, no, no, no, no, no, no!" Koichi ran to the front of the ship, desperate to see the figurehead of the ship. To confirm his worst fears.

There it was.

The figurehead…

A hippocampus.

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

So remember kids; being Hirose Koichi is suffering. Do not cry for him; for his fate could easily be your own.

 _ **Fin**_

* * *

 **ANNOUNCEMENT: So in my Author's Note of the previous Beacon is Unbreakable, I mentioned how I was in the middle of two moves and how the place I'm currently staying isn't exactly the most… conducive to writing. Even writing the shortest idea I had for a Chibi Short was made immensely difficult by the various elements that go into where I'm currently living. However, the plan was that I would move into my new apartment today. I would upload this Chibi Update, I would pack up, I would move, unpack, relax and then get back to writing tomorrow in an environment where I would be comfortable, relaxed and able to write…**

 **I will not be moving into my new apartment tomorrow, for reasons I shall not get into. There is no way, under current circumstances, that I would be able to deliver the material that you have come to expect on the 12th. It is simply impossible until I get into my new place.**

 **Remnant's Bizarre Adventure: Beacon is Unbreakable will not update on the 12th. I will be skipping that day with the hope that by then or, at the latest, a day after I will be moved into my new apartment. As of current plans I will be able to deliver the 17th's update and all following updates from then on out.**

 **I would like to apologize for this; it sucks ass to have to break this pattern that we've held. Honestly, I'm quite proud of what I've accomplished with these two series; I have consistently updated a story, and side story, every five days on the dot for the past nearly 7 months. It was something that I hadn't considered myself capable of before and your kind words and support have been great boons in regards to keeping that going. It has been both immensely fun and a personal accomplishment to do this both for myself and for you all.**

 **Which is why this I don't particularly like doing this. I didn't foresee these events but that fact alone doesn't fully satisfy me in justifying this decision. Hell, I hadn't planned on taking any kind of significant break until October, so this is going to make that particular decision even more distasteful. Still, I can't help what's happened and I don't want to try to force myself to write, as 'forcing myself to write' is as sure a sign that what I'll write will not be of the quality that I wish for myself or that you might have come to expect.**

 **I will do my best to return with an update on the 17th. If I can't then I'll fill you guys in further. Until then, I hope you all understand and that you all will enjoy these next ten days. For those of you here on interested in asking questions or the like, head on over to the thread on Spacebattles.**

 **And yes, I realize the irony in bringing up the 'boat arc' in the same update I'm announcing a mini-hiatus.**


End file.
